"I don't see how any degree of faith can exclude the dismay, since Christ's faith did not save Him from dismay in Gethsemane. We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us: we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." - C. S. Lewis
That quote is an excerpt from a letter written by Lewis to his friend Rev. Peter Bide. Bide's wife had been diagnosed with cancer, just as Lewis' own wife, Joy, had been two years earlier. Bide had laid hands on Joy and prayed for miraculous healing years prior; the cancer took Joy's life several years later. Now it was Lewis' turn to pray for Bide's wife and, instead of writing about the certainty of miraculous healing, he takes the time to clarify that miraculous healing is not, in fact, always the best that God has for us.
As I'm sure you've guessed by this point, it's all bad news concerning my spine. My thoracolumbar scoliosis has worsened significantly and will most likely continue to do so. I have a rotated lumbar vertebra that is accentuating the already present pain in my lower back. There is nothing to be done about any of it and even major surgery likely wouldn't help the pain. I wasn't expecting this news and to be told even the most drastic, "Hail Mary" option wouldn't even ensure relief was a heavy blow. I was told pregnancy would be an extremely high risk scenario for my own body and, in the words of my doctor, "would likely blow your back into literal pieces." Now, that is of course debatable and even so, we will cross that bridge when we have to come to it. In the end, I was offered more opiates and referred to a high ranking physiotherapist -- but after being referred was told that any real help from his practice is unlikely. So, I'm hurting deeply. Literally and figuratively. To be told in what is supposed to be your "prime" of life that the pain will only get worse from here and that there is absolutely nothing to do about it... wow. It's hard. No cure, no hope, no relief, no way out.
But then... Jesus. I don't doubt that this is the Lord's best for me - I am only wondering how badly His best will hurt. Dreading, even, in the same way that Jesus Himself grieved at Gethsemane the suffering He knew was to come. I am so touched by those who pray for healing over my back but at this moment, I am not one of those who Jesus miraculously heals. I am one, like Joy Lewis, who the Lord has specifically chosen not to heal: and that's alright. If this is Christ's best for me, then I will rejoice and be glad in it! I wonder and dread how painful it is and will continue to be but, in the end, I want what Jesus wants. Miraculous healing would be lovely and a blessing beyond comprehension, but why would I jump to throw off the suffering that Jesus has decided to place in my life? He is the Counselor, the Advocate, my Friend who is closer than a brother. If He has decided that this life of pain is better for me than a life with healing, who am I to question? If it makes me more like Him - which it will - then Lord, give it to me. Jesus gave Paul a thorn in his side and if he could bear it (without any miraculous relief) and still march on towards the glory of heaven, so can I.
It is SO hard, of course. It will never not be hard; otherwise, what's the point? But in sharing this sad news with you all I also want you to know that I am at peace with it all - or at least, I'm getting there. As the old hymn goes, "When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll, whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say: 'It is well, it is well with my soul.'" That hymn was written by a man who had just learnt that his entire family had died. There is a theme here: Jesus does not always deliver us from suffering. He causes it to happen: and to Him be the glory that results.
Thank you all for your prayers and for suffering with me through this hard news - it means so much to not suffer alone. Much love and the peace of Jesus be with each of you!
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