Update and Some Thoughts

Greetings, Loved Ones!

The last couple of days have been days of reflection and remembering. I was, just yesterday, remembering what it was like to stand, with two bare feet, in cooled sands, on the coast of the Pacific Ocean, listening to the waves roll and crash, watching the moonlight glimmer on the water, feeling the warm, summers-night breeze wrap me up in contentment.

So. Reality check: I have to go to a meeting on the other side of campus ...I am a college student, however discontent that statement makes me. Now, that can mean many different things. In this case, it means: I didn't bring a raincoat. Heaven knows I've never used an umbrella in my life (I don't like looking like a tree with a canopy over it). I can't make a mad dash through the rain due to the cinder block occupying my right leg. So. I put on a sweatshirt, pulled the hood up, and walked through the rain, contrasting these two experiences--one on the coast of the Pacific, one on the brinks of Chicago.

Luckily, I dearly love rain, so it wasn't a "doom and gloom" thought train at all, but rather I was dwelling on the fact that the Lord has blessed me with the ability to walk again, and through the rain, and at a steady pace, and I haven't fallen yet, and the rain is cool and the air is hot, and (my favorite) since everyone else apparently hates being out in the rain, I was alone walking through campus. Blessed aloneness. I was able to walk through hazy streets, see the puddles on the sidewalks, watch the rain fall off the color-changing leaves and find a new home in the grass. All in blessed, blessed, quiet, still aloneness. Praise the Lord.

Lastly, I thought I'd share with you all what I've been meditating on. First: the book of Zephaniah. If you haven't read it recently due to it's being a prophet and "not relatable" to life these days, go read it with an open mind and a humbly listening heart. If I could go back and change one thing about my relationship with Christ in the past, it would be all the times I read the Bible haughtily, thinking I knew which books could speak to me and how they could speak to me, drawing from my factual knowledge of the Bible and its contents rather than my relationship with the One who created it. Second: I was reading a short story by George Saunders yesterday called "The Semplica Girl Diaries". Nearing the end of the story, the narrator attends a funeral, at which he poses, to himself, the question: "Why were we put here, so inclined to love, when the end of our story = death? That harsh. That cruel. Do not like."

I thought on this for a long while. If there is no marriage in heaven then there are thus no families, in the literal, immediate sense of the word. So why, then, are we called to love anyone other than God alone? Why should we love our families or neighbors--why can we not simply be good to them out of obedience to Christ? Adam needed a helper, yes, but why must there be love involved in the relationship? Is it perhaps because God is love, and we, made in His image, mirror it without choice? Perhaps, then, the greatest apologetics argument is love. Why were we put here, so inclined to love, unless death is not the end of our story?

If any of you have any thoughts on the above pondering, I'd love to hear them if you'd like to - you can email me here or comment below. I have come to no firm resolution. I know only this:

"I am His and He is mine in a love which cannot cease, I am His, and He is mine."

Random fact of the post:

A squirrel ran by me quite furiously the other day, across the sidewalk in front of me, into the lawn beside me. He had an acorn in his mouth. He looked at me and froze, as if to say "I see you there- don't think you can move without my seeing you", and proceeded to shove his acorn-filled head into the ground with such ferocity that I was a bit taken aback. I went all the way up to him before he noticed me, at which time he jumped into the air, dropping the nut, and bolted into the trees. I suppose the Lord gives me encounters with crazy (not "cool" crazy--just plain crazy) animals because he knows I can relate.

My leg has improved slightly with physical therapy, praise Jesus.

Love and appreciation to you all! Lord bless and keep you!

Anna Click Here to Read More..

College Impressions

Greetings, Loved Ones!

I have attended Wheaton College for two weeks now, and wanted to share some first impressions with you.

Community living is the same as it was when I did it for the first time at 15. Everyone is young, loud, and rarely takes out the trash.

The food is stunningly better than I expected, even from the top ranked college cafeteria in the States. Yesterday there was freshly caught salmon...for lunch.

Almost all the first year students dress up for class. They wake up roughly two hours before their class and shower, put on the perfect outfit, do their makeup. They look so good. All of them. I wake up 20 minutes before I have to leave. 10 of those are spent adjusting my eyes to the light of the windows...My earliest classes start at 11:15 a.m.

The cobblestones. They look good. They feel terrible on an ankle in rehab.

No one remembers your name except those people who you forget the names of. (Cringe.)

My roommate is a 5'1" flute major and couldn't be a more fantastic fit with me. She turned to me during the first few days of living here and said "What are all these people doing? Ugh. I did NOT come here for the social interactions."

It's hard. Contentment is hard. My heart is hurting, my body wants to be traveling, my mouth wants to be speaking of Jesus to the people who have never heard His name.

There are cliques. Last week I went up to the football-team table and took the Sriracha sauce they had taken from the buffet line with a "Can I borrow this? Thanks." They all looked at me as if I had four heads. But, know this: my friend's rice was not dry that day.

Random fact of the post:

My dorm room faces west, so we get to watch stunning sunsets. Yesterday, due to large amounts of smoke, the sun went blood red, and promptly disappeared behind a hazy gray sky while still high above the horizon. Breathtaking.

Leg update: my leg has digressed quite a bit. I've had to take up the moonboot again, as I have to walk over a mile and some each day for all my classes, and cannot do that over cobblestones while only wearing a lace up ankle brace. My pain has at least tripled, but if I stop walking on it, my tolerance will digress further, and I'll be back to square 1. So- pray! I can't see a practical outcome here, so I'm trusting Jesus to take up the fight for me.

Thank you all for praying, as always! You are dear to me in an irreplaceable way.

Lord bless.
Anna Click Here to Read More..

From the Hospital to the Windy City!

Greetings, Loved Ones!

So! It's been a month since my last post, almost to the day! I apologize for being so absent- I promise I'll get better again! Suddenly, as I was home, my life turned from a series of frequent adventures which I was eager to share with you all into more of a roiling ocean of uncertainty and doubt.

My leg, upon return to the U.S., was thought to be infected. To figure out whether that was the case, I was subject to several different medications, multiple scans, and a series of tests that were quite involved and took over four weeks to fully complete. I was told that I would most likely have to postpone attending university in Chicago, Illinois if the tests came up positive, as I would have to undergo multiple surgeries and washouts.

Praise be to the Lord, the tests all came up negative, and they showed no signs of infection or need for further investigation. (Thank you Jesus!) So, what this means: my life has taken yet another turn, and in a week, I will be completely submerging myself in "college" culture. I'll be right next to the world class city of Chicago, which I plan to explore and adventure in to the maximum, while at the same time having an experience that is known to be unique and irreplaceable. Apparently, from what those wiser than I have said, college lends insight to a certain aspect of life that simply nothing else can.

I am all of a sudden looking at my life from a wholly different perspective; I am wholeheartedly committed to living the life that Jesus wants for me, but am constantly confronted by the fact that I have absolutely no idea where my life is going. I'm continually told not to worry about it, because "I'm young" and "I have time to figure it out", but that is purely and simply not enough for me. If I am able to get myself to a point of "not worrying about it", it will certainly not be due to my age. Who knows how long I have to figure it out? As C. S. Lewis states in his Screwtape Letters: "The man can neither make, nor retain, one moment of time; it all comes to him by pure gift; he might as well regard the sun and moon as as his chattels."

I honestly don't know where my life Is going, or even where Christ will take me in the next couple of years, but I am determined to live my life serving the Lord, no matter when or how or where it takes me. I hope to continue posting about how I go about fulfilling that commitment whilst at college. After that - who knows? No matter what, I hope to include you all on the journey, as I so dearly love and respect you all, and am so grateful towards each one of you for all the support you have lavished me and my family with.

Thank you, as always, and God bless!

Random fact of the post:

I was at the hospital the other day, and while I was limping towards the X-ray wing, a nurse came up behind me and said "Oh wow, you're so tall! Do you play basketball?" And let me just tell you: in that moment, with my boot on my leg, looking down at this smiling nurse, I couldn't help but laugh at my life. I smiled, and said "Used to, but anymore I am too busy jumping out of trees and such. I like to keep things interesting like that." Thank you all again for praying me through this time. 

As always, if you'd ever like to get into contact with me, my email address is annawinters5056@gmail.com. God bless. Click Here to Read More..

Miles To Go Before I Sleep...

Greetings, Loved Ones!

So. I am back in Pennsylvania, in the good old U. S. of A. I made it- I traversed skies, continents, and oceans, all alone, on crutches, and I made it safe and sound back to my family and my community (which are one in the same, in many ways!). I've been on EST for just over 2 weeks and am FINALLY getting settled in a regulated sleeping pattern.

The question that should be posed: have I retained the growth that I experienced whilst being overseas, or have I slipped back into ordinary, bland, lukewarm lifestyles?

The answer: I don't think it's for me to say. It's not for me to tell everyone how much I've changed. Of course, for my part, I can identify a stark difference in my own life; the enthusiasm and endurance that I now follow Christ with is a sharp contrast to the circumstantial, moody love I had for Him and His plans only a couple of years ago. In Matthew 7:16 it says that we will know trees by their fruit, and so, if you truly desire to know what I am like these days, let me know! We'll get together!

If you're wondering at all what it's like for me to be back, I will be honest: it's not always easy. I am used to working and learning all day every day, with some of my closest friends only a few doors away, being able to go out into the Australian sun and sing praises to the Lord for all He's done for His children. Granted, I can still do that last part here- but suddenly, I'm not working, I've left several people on the other side of the world who I miss very dearly, I have physical therapy several times a week, and I am preparing to attend Wheaton College this Autumn. I am where the Lord has called me to be. I know this to be true. However, I'm starting to wonder if the "comfortable call" isn't harder for me than the "uncomfortable call." When I was wheeling around, in pain, working 8-5 in Australia, I was going through so much inwardly and outwardly that I had absolutely no doubt (or time to doubt!) that I was being refined at a gloriously rapid pace. Now that I am back, I feel the Lord may be stalling me a bit, calling me to be patient in a life where not much is happening to me. I am still growing ever closer to Him, if only through daily life, but I cannot feel the refining being done anymore. Ah, well. I suppose this is just a new angle with which to look upon my life, ultimately resulting in, as always, the need to depend on Christ.

Well, friends, I'm glad to be back amongst you. The Lord has been so good to me over the past 6 months and continues to be good as I readjust to my life back here in America. Thank you deeply for your prayers. Many of you- MANY- have come up to me and told me that you have been praying for me, even if I didn't know you before I left. That encourages me more than my words can express. Your prayers had a mammoth impact, let me just tell you. Thank you again, and God bless!

Random Fact of the Post:

I think that I will keep this blog up and running. I feel that, especially as I begin college (and whatever else my life entails in the next season), the Lord will continue to have me live a life that defies the norm of even what I expected for myself, and through that, bless me with interestingly unusual experiences that make His love for us evident and undeniable. I would love to continue to have a medium to share those happenings with you all! I also plan to live a life full of travel, so perhaps it would be beneficial to have a blog where I can track both my journeys- my journey across the face of the earth, and my journey from this world into the house and arms of my Father.

Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart.

Anna

"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep." -Robert Frost, Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening. Click Here to Read More..

I'll Be Back!

Greetings, Loved Ones!

This will probably be my last post before I am back in the USA! Our graduation ceremony was last night! We officially completed our Discipleship Training School on Friday morning, and I lift off Australian ground Saturday night.

These past couple of weeks have been pure insanity- my team returned from Papua and we're all in the throes of debrief and saying goodbye. It's been hard for me- hearing the stories, seeing friends I've been apart from for 6 weeks... Even small things, like having to stay back from late night food outings because my wheelchair would be too much of a hassle. That's all alright, though- the Lord has kept my spirits sheltered under His wings and so I cling to the joy of the morning that I know is coming! Dawn will soon break on my leg situation- my cast should be off in the next week (if I can't get out of it here, the U.S. will take care of me!) and then, after lots of physical therapy, I should soon be walking!

Even through all the hardship I've experienced here, my heart is heavy as I contemplate leaving. The relationships I've built here truly will last a lifetime- it will be hard to say goodbye, but I will see them again. The memories are plentiful and priceless.

I suppose I should list just a few of my final impressions of this country as I head off. First, though, I should say- there's not a doubt in my mind that I'll be back here soon.

I've become used to the driving on the left side of the road. I look the right way at the right time and have grown used to the driver being on the right side of the car. My family and friends will have to watch me my first few months back in the States when I cross the street.

Raw coconut is delectable.

Winter in Australia is very sneaky: the fact that the temp goes down does NOT mean someone who is as fair skinned as me can be safe in the sun. I was just burnt to a crisp a week and a half ago.

Well, that's all for now- I'm going to be in a whirlwind once I get home, conquering jet lag (its 10x worse going to the Northern Hemisphere than the Southern), getting my leg working again, preparing for what's next in my life. I hope to see all of you soon- I would love to meet with as many of you one-on-one as I can! My love language is quality time, so if you would like to see me, don't hesitate to send me an email and get a hold of me!

Random fact of the post:

A little while ago, I was rolling around the city in the evening, getting some fresh air. My friend and I decided to stop and sit on a patch of grass and shortly noticed we weren't the only ones there- a possum (not an opossum- they're different!) came right up to us and started nibbling my toes. I reached out and pet it- they're so soft. I've had multiple interactions with possums whilst living in this country- I've not regretted a single one.

Bless you all, and I can't thank you enough for all of your support.

Anna Click Here to Read More..

Legs and God.

Greetings, Loved Ones.

I went back to the hospital last week. The appointment was to get a fiberglass cast put on my leg in place of the back slab (half-fabric-half-plaster-cast) that had been protecting it since surgery. I was quite excited to get this tougher cast - which would make it easier to move around - or so I hoped. So they cut off my post-surgery cast and revealed my (hopefully) healing ankle. It was hard for me to see my little leg, most of the calf muscle already deteriorated, paired with the ugliness of the green and brown and pink from the antiseptics and swelling. Not to mention the nearly 50 stitches on both sides of my leg. They began work on my leg straight away - and I began to grow concerned. I asked if it was safe to take out all of the stitches just yet--the nurse responded by saying there were another set of 50 underneath the skin--dissolvable. So I shut my mouth.

Removing the stitches was about 15 minutes or so of the most uncomfortable tugging sensation of my life. It was a sickening feeling that I know some of you can relate to, and also surprisingly painful. It was at about this time that the full force of what happened to me - what was still happening to me - rested upon my brain more concretely. I felt nauseous and anxious, but with little or no room to process what was going on or how I was feeling.

And then the stitches were out, and I heaved a sigh of relief. They wiped down the incisions again and put new bandages on and waited for the surgeon to check things out. I was deeply disappointed to hear him say that there was no way I would be getting a cast that day. He said my foot was still far too swollen and that I would need another back slab. I asked if I would have to come in again to get an actual cast and he said no, that I would "just be in the back slab for four weeks" and then they would "pop me in a moon boot."

The surgeon left, and I was asked to hop off the table and into my wheelchair so I could be moved to the room where they would put my new back slab on. Discouragement began to settle like a dark haze over my world. My family was on the other side of the earth, my closest friends were in PNG, and the women who had come with me to the hospital were somewhere that I didn't know how to get to. I was trying to keep my spirits up, but it felt like a losing battle. I got my new cast and got back into my wheelchair, wheeled myself around, and promptly ran over my one good foot. Ugh. I chastised myself for my endless stubborn determination to be independent. Just in case I wasn't feeling bad enough, I thought some self condemnation might be just the right medicine for my tired soul.

Suddenly, I was beyond discouraged. Deep sorrow grasped my whole heart. My heart sank as I felt internal pain to rival the external.

In my not so great state, my dear YWAM family gave me the day off to recover - but first they prayed for me and over me, which was such a blessing. Several people prayed, and I noticed that they all asked the Lord to take the pain away - probably because they could see I was so full of it at that point. And out of nowhere, out of somewhere deep inside my heart, I asked them not to pray for that any more. I said something like: "You know, this is the pain that's been allotted to me, and I'm alright with feeling it. I find that often times you grow far closer to people in times of sorrow than in times of joy, and that's what's happening with the Lord and I right now. Misery loves a partner, and that partner for me right now is Christ, as He is here with me, in the absence of all of my friends and family, feeling my pain with me. What kind of a foolish girl would I be if I rebuked the chance He's given me to grow closer to Him?"

Now, where did that come from I wondered? I tell you what though, discouragement fled. Suddenly I realized what I had been telling people for months--something I had read in a book by C.S.Lewis--that I didn't own anything, so how could I be upset at it's being taken away? The Lord gives me many blessings, but I have no entitlement to them, and if the Lord sees a more efficient way to grow me up in Him without those blessings, then so be it.

I am still in pain, but I am no longer lonely. Christ has revealed Himself to me in a way even clearer than I believe I could have experienced in PNG. I already knew Him to be a God of the spirit realms, powerful and able to heal miraculously, able to be felt distinctly and vividly. I already knew Him to be the God of adventures, the God I would climb endless mountains for, the God I would live on the mission field for, the God whose Name I would shout with triumph at anything evil that I came up against. The conquering God I was already acquainted with. The divinely intervening God I was already acquainted with. And now I knew Him first hand to be Someone I hadn't foreseen all too clearly: the God Who sits with you when your independence is gone. The God Who is your close companion when all the others are far away. The God Who feels your pain as you run over your own toes in the hallway of the hospital.

Here is the difference my friends: the God I had known before, the God I would do anything for because He was omnipotent and omnipresent and omniscient- the God I had utmost faith in because I knew He could never fail- though I knew Him, I didn't know Him to be personal - or at least not personal in this way. He was a King to me, not a companion. Sure I'd felt Him help me along in life. Sure I'd heard Him speak, clearly and frequently, even, throughout the hard times in my life. But suddenly, I knew Him in a whole new light. I now feel as though I truly can undergo anything- not because if I fail the Lord will conquer in another way, but because no matter what happens to me, the Lord my God will never leave me nor forsake me. Even as my own body has failed me, I know I cannot lose, because I have experienced the friendship of the Lord. What more could I possibly ask for? I regret nothing in breaking my leg. I would give this experience up for nothing. All the pain, all the loneliness, all the fear of having missed out on endless adventures-- it fades. I am experiencing and will now continue to experience for the rest of my life the wonderful relationship that is personal love between my Lord and myself. He cares for me and He feels my pain. He is carrying me through like a comrade in arms. I wouldn't change where I am if you offered me the world. Click Here to Read More..

Rolling through life...

Greetings, Loved Ones.

So. I have been discharged from the hospital and living back at base for almost 2 weeks now. During this time, I have made several important discoveries.

Discovery 1: When people see you in a wheelchair with a broken leg, they automatically assume you are completely incapable of any human function. This frequently translates to people assuming you need help with ordinary, day-to-day tasks. For instance: moving. Let me make this clear, lest there be any confusion: my upper body is completely competent to push the weight of myself whilst in a wheelchair. Yet, many a person will run up to me, out of meetings, away from meals, out of rooms, away from work, just to come up behind me and INSIST, sometimes against my request, to push my wheelchair 20 meters. This could certainly be the Lord removing my pride further, but it doesn't stop me from asking: in what world is it socially appropriate to take control of a disabled person's life (even if under the claim of "courtesy") by rolling them around in a wheelchair they cannot get out of even when they tell you your help is not needed? In addition, people will often run up behind me as I'm rolling around and grab my wheels or put the breaks on. This was only slightly funny the first time. By now, I have had to resort to spinning my chair on a dime to stop them from being able to get to my wheels at all- sometimes resorting to rolling over their toes on accident because they were too close to me. At any rate, it's humbling for me to no longer be able to operate on the level I am used to, and even more humbling to be at the mercy of anyone, including small children, who feel and act on the impulse to grab my wheelchair and push me places I don't want to go.

Discovery 2: Office work, from 8-5 daily, is hard. I now work as a receptionist in the offices here at YWAM Townsville to substitute my going to PNG. To be able to graduate, I had to make up the outreach work I am involuntarily forgoing by staying in Australia, and so I have been made a sort of student-staffer. The days are long and often hot, and I am often tired and lonely.

Discovery 3: The Lord will speak to you when you give him time. I'm sure you can tell by this point in my article that my demeanor has taken somewhat of a toll. For the past two weeks I have been very busy, from 7 am until often times 10 pm or later, 6 days a week, working. On Sunday, I am often too tired to even gather two thoughts to rub together. I will admit that there have been days when I have prioritized like an idiot and pushed spending time with my God to the back burner. What kind of a fool does that? Here I am, trying to carry the weight of new work, loneliness, physical pain, etc., knowing full well that I CANNOT do it alone, and still deciding that a nap is more important than conversing with the Lord and hearing what He has to say to me. Although to be sure, naps are sometimes the only choice I can make! But truly - I have found during this time a deeper need for time with the Lord than I have known up until now, which is wonderful and also difficult.

For those of you who may not see much point in talking to the Lord unless you have a question or a request, let me just share with you something - He is not just an omniscient God of answers, but also a God of encouragement. It is incredible to me how light my burdens feel after crying out to the Lord for help. I'll be honest, there have been many a time these last days when I have felt as though I'm being strangled slowly. The amount of small details in my life that piled up and needed attention astounded me. Whether it be the hospital needing information I didn't have, the healthcare store giving me a wheelchair with a broken wheel, the incision on my inner ankle breaking open and bleeding through the cast (yes, actually, that does hurt as much as you're thinking it does), not being able to eat because of the painkillers I'm on, both of my pets dying while I'm out of the country...You get the idea. And yet, right when I feel as though I'm ready to wheel myself away into the great unknown, the Lord speaks to me and says "My dear little one, I have so much in store for you; this is only the dry season, refreshing rain will come soon." Then, like a vapor in the wind, all my worries disappear. I realize that people are kinder to me in the streets because they have sympathy on a crippled girl. I realize that I'm in Australia, living a story most people wouldn't believe. I realize that I'll be going home soon to a family who loves me. I realize that I have friends here who mean more to me than I could ever have thought possible. I realize that I have supporters all over the world - people who are diligently praying for me - sometimes hourly. I realize no matter what happens, broken bones or no, I have the Good Shepherd watching over me--what can be unbearable when that is the case? I'm living a wonderful life. I am blessed with friends and family who love me. I get mail all the time with flowers and teddy bears and chocolate and kind words. How could I ever overlook these blessings under the notion that my life is just too hard? Ridiculous.

I find that my life often becomes how I look at it. When I am skeptical, both of myself and of those around me, misery and self pity kick in with shocking ferocity. When I choose to see the blessings the Lord has granted me today, when I decide not to heap those gifts on the alter of "the future", looking so far ahead that I neglect to see what has been given me now, hope and excitement lift me off the ground. This does not mean life isn't hard sometimes- but, as I have said before, my situation is my situation no matter if I am joyful about it or not.

So, then, why not be joyful? There truly are so many reasons to praise Him after all.

Random Fact of the Post:

I tried seafood for the first time ever in my life last week! My friend and I went out to a fish and chips place on the beach and I tried two whole bites of crumbed mackerel. Not bad, actually- I would try it again. Being a vego, though, it'll probably be a while... But my first experience was overall pretty darned delightful. Thank you again for your prayers. My parents often tell me of each one of you stopping them and asking them for updates because you pray for me so often. I can't tell you how much this means to me and how much it has helped me. Click Here to Read More..