The fatigue has set in.
This week has been the worst for me in the area of physical exhaustion. The first half of the day is straight lectures and only the second is work, so it's not as though my days are excruciating, but the cumulative tiredness has begun to take its toll...
We leave on Sunday for two weeks straight of Australian Bush camping. No wifi, no phone signal, no charging stations- I am extremely excited. The QUIET that will be present, the peace that will be felt, the serenity of nature! Granted, due to the large amount of us going (about 60) it will be more of a glamping (glamour camping) trip than a tried and true, old fashioned camping trip, but I'm alright with that. For instance, the kitchen is bringing a fridge or two. Don't mistake me, they won't have electricity for anything but food and water, but nonetheless. The men, going up a day early to prepare the site, will also be setting up a water tank for us to drink from. (I will have you all know that I am bringing my own water filter-- my father gave it to me before I left. It's not that I don't trust their filtered water, it's just that I, personally, would rather have my own potentially life saving filter to carry around in my bag at all times (along with a ten-pack of vacuum compacted emergency towels and a trustworthy hunting knife- all from the wonderful Nate Winters)).
That being said, there is a downfall to the wilderness: I will be unreachable (and unable to reach out) in the most absolute sense of the word for two weeks. Because of this, there will obviously be a bit of a gap in my blog. I will write down or take pictures of (at least in the first week, before my only camera runs out of batteries) the exciting scenarios that I fall into and be sure to relay them to you all later, once I again have access to the internet.
On a completely unrelated note: lectures this week have focused on the Character[istics] of God- not entirely the same as the Attributes of God, but close- and the main characteristic has been faithfulness (derived from His love and unchangeableness). Listening to these lectures brought back many memories from my high school days- the man speaking briefly touched in one week MAMMOTH topics that I was made to (in schooling) mull over for months. Topics such as Infinite Regression, Predestination, and even historical topics such as the Assyrian Armies of Nineveh. The first four days were moderately excruciating for me: it seemed as though all my comrades were having revelations of biblical truths or interpretations they had never been exposed to before. Having a pastor as a father and going to a classical Christian school for 6 years you can imagine that I was not experiencing quite as many "mind blowing" revelations-- I was feeling quite left out and, in a way, almost insecure that I had already heard a lot of the material being spoken of and thus was not participating in the campus-wide excitement of new knowledge.
On the last day of the week, the speaker told a story of being abroad leading a team on missions. One of his students decided to pray that the team would be shown God's faithfulness through an "impossible situation". After hearing the story, the speaker made a joking comment to the effect of "don't pray to be shown His faithfulness if you're not prepared to trust Him through impossible times."
....Interesting. Do not mistake me: I trust the Lord. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He will work everything out for my good because I know that I love Him. I'm not, however, entirely sure if I holistically believe that He will provide for me; FOR ME. I've known He protects my parents, and I've often reasoned that that translates to Him protecting their children, as we are extensions of them and if we are hurt, they are hurt, but would Christ walk with me just for the sake of my own well being? Or would He place me in a situation and supervise as I built character? There have been times in my life when I have been in a serious trial and I have not turned to Christ or any physical human. I know in my mind that Christ must have helped me without my actively knowing it at the time, but do I have anything to base that belief off of beside the fact that I'm still here, breathing?
So. These observations bring me to this question: Do I believe that Christ cares for me at such a personal level that I am willing to pray for an impossible situation and trust Him to bring me through it because He loves ME and is unchanging to ME? I have to tell you, I'm not sure. I don't want to experience a tragedy or trial just to work out my "heart issue", especially if my heart isn't mature enough to not turn bitter during the process. A tad paradoxical, I find. Well then, I suppose we shall see, won't we?
I have found out for certain that I will be headed to Papua New Guinea for my outreach (in May). We will be headed to the Central Province to a specific tribe and train some of the natives in evangelism, their area of missions being surrounding tribes. The Lord is going to be doing some amazing things. If I could ask for prayer for something, it would be this: pray for me to be less critical. My first reaction to instruction--whether it be lecturing, confrontation, team building, mentoring--is skepticism. While it's good to be able to find the thread of Truth in the weave of words, it's not good to "throw the baby out with the bath water", so to speak. That phrase was once used against me as I rejected a confrontation on the grounds of faulty logic... I am so foolish. At any rate, prayer for skepticism. Thank you.
As always,
I love you all, and I will talk to you in two weeks!
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