Loving Jesus When Life Goes South

Greetings, Loved Ones.

I wanted to wait to write this until my emotions were slightly more stable; I've been spontaneously bursting into tears over the past 10 days! During that time, I acquired many stories. Some gruesome, some funny, some hopeful, and some just plain old sad.

First: I got a culture taken from an abscess on my leg. Two days later I was admitted to the hospital for possible whooping cough along with a possibly infectious disease in my ankle.

The first night in the hospital, they put me on IV antibiotics. I woke up delusional at 2 AM scratching at my scalp, arms, chest, and neck, realizing minutes later as I woke up more fully that every time I scratched my skin it started to burn. I pressed the nurse button and called my mom, frantically asking if I was allergic to any medicines, fumbling to pull the IV tubes out of my arm. As the pain got worse, my poor mother had to endure listening to me sob into the help button radio, "Someone please help me, all of my skin is burning, help me!" until someone finally came to help. Turns out they had been pumping a certain medicine into me at much too fast a rate for my "sensitive system" to handle. So that was night one.

Then the nurses came in and told me they'd have to insert a PICC line into me, which is basically a thicker, longer IV tube. I must say: this hurt. Again, my "sensitive system" came into play. I tried not to watch too intently as they repeatedly pushed and pulled the tubing in and out of my upper arm, but seeing the nurse's gloved fingers coming up covered in blood didn't help.

My mother arrived promptly the next day and my morale was boosted. Later, a doctor came into my room and told us that I was going to need to have the hardware that was put into my leg in Australia removed entirely, as he believed that was what was causing the infection. This was difficult news as I was just three physical therapy visits away from being completely back to normal with my ankle - THREE VISITS! The end was so close and now I had to start all over again.

Aaron (that Aussie man I'm dating whom I told you about in my last post) arrived the following day from Wisconsin - his arrival also lifted my spirits. He and my mother met for the first time that morning in the hospital lobby, neither of them expecting to see each other there but both recognizing each other from pictures.

I received surgery the next day (day 3) which was grand until I woke up from the anesthesia. They were keeping a mask over my mouth due to the suspected whooping cough, so I felt like I couldn't breathe. I began to hyperventilate and in my sluggish mind I thought I was suffocating. The nursing staff retrieved Aaron from the waiting room in hopes he could calm me down. He came in and prayed over me and I called out "Jesus, help me!" before immediately falling back into a deep sleep. (Cool, eh?)

Two days later they discharged me with a no weight bearing order for my leg and I was sent back to my dorm at Wheaton College, to a new room on the first floor that was wheelchair accessible. In much pain and on many meds, I nearly vomited all over my dorm's lawn on my first day trying to get around.

Just today I received word about a couple things: first, my bone is infected, meaning I have osteomyelitis. While this is a very serious infection, my 6 week course of IV antibiotics should eradicate it (but please pray that it will!). Second, I'm being transferred to at-home care, meaning a nurse will come to my college and teach me how to administer my own doses of medication through my PICC line, making it possible for me to be detached from the CADD pump, which was greatly restricting my daily routine and causing me large amounts of discomfort and pain.

Conclusion: I have been battling feeling alone and overwhelmed, even though I know I have so many supporting me (thank you!!!).

Please continue to pray for me and my family as we battle through this struggle- I was so sure it was over, so sure the Lord was bringing me to the end of the tunnel, and suddenly I seem to be going through it all over again. My heart hurts sometimes with the feeling of helplessness. The Lord is making Himself known to me in this time just as He did in Australia, but somehow now He is not only testing my endurance but my willingness to go on. I know the Lord has me here at college for a reason and I am determined to stay to serve that purpose. There is a line in a hymn that I have been singing to myself frequently that says "I will cling to that old rugged Cross and exchange it some day for a crown." So many hymns have spoken to me over these past days, but for those of you struggling with loneliness or helplessness, I encourage you to listen to "Be Still My Soul", "It Is Well With My Soul", and "I Come to the Garden." Truly, the Lord dwells with you and I. Just like last time, please don't pray my struggle would get easier. Pray for me that the Lord would put me through whatever necessary to refine me into the woman needed to fulfill the plan He has for my life-- I believe that plan is spectacular, and I have asked many a time for God to not let me be unprepared for it. If this is what it takes, I will cling to that old rugged Cross, and one day, I surely will exchange it for a crown. Jesus is always good, always loving, always kind. I will love Him before myself and He will sustain me when, literally, I can no longer walk.

Thank you all, as always, for your prayers in this time- truly they have been so encouraging. The Lord bless and keep you all!!

Love, Anna