I simply must share something that I have just been confronted on by the Lord.
In early March of this year, as I was camping in the Australian bush, I had a conversation with the King of the universe. First, I told Him clearly that I had no idea how to pray "correctly," and I told Him that, as I believed He is omniscient, I believed Him to know my heart and prayer even though I didn't know how to get my desires to Him in "the right way," if there even is a "right way" to pray. Then, I asked the Lord to refine me. I told Him to be real about it; I wasn't up for slow, minuscule refinement over the course of 10-20 years. I asked Him to put me in a difficult situation that only He could get me through in one piece.
I came back from that trip and met Aaron, the man I'm currently dating, three days later. I'll save you the details and tell you that the Lord humbled me so entirely during those initial two weeks of getting to know that man that I barely knew who I was at the end of it. The Lord (bless You, Father, for this), showed His love for me in creating a kind and patient man out of Aaron prior to our meeting so that, as I was humbled and reconstructed from the ground up, I was able to do it alongside a firm, stable, uplifting friend. ...But GRACIOUS, was it difficult.
A few weeks after that, my most beloved possession on the face of the planet was hit by a car--this being my precious Kiwi, the kitten I was given for Christmas of '08 and who had cuddled me through all the hardships any typical young girl could undergo in life.
Fast forward a few more weeks and cue the slow-mo image of my hair floating upwards in an anti-gravity state as I flew through the air, having leapt from a hard, smooth tree branch, headed towards hard, rough gravel.
Since then... Well, most of you know.
Here is what I've been confronted on:
I asked for this. I sincerely asked to be put through the hardest refinement possible in order to become purer, faster. (Hello to my never ending impatience, shining through the story yet again.) And another thing: I do not regret asking in the least. The Lord has rendered my heart to an entirely new state than it was in just a year ago, and that is exactly what I desired and still desire most of all.
Here is what I have been dwelling on: the Lord has been UNFATHOMABLY good to me this past year. I say without hesitation that it has been the hardest and best year of my life. I am overcome by a desire to sing praises to Him at the top of my lungs-- but sadly it's here in Fischer Hall, and there's something called "quiet hours" from 11-9 each night. (I don't think I will ever understand that concept of "quiet hours." How about you, mom?)
Honestly, I am inexplicably excited about this concept. The Lord gave me the deepest desire of my heart, and here I was, sitting alone, sometimes even hoping for early relief or super speed fixes or miraculous healing from it, frustrated by my own confusion over what was happening to me. What in the world! Anna! Look at what's happened to you! The Lord has changed your life for the better! I remember saying just the other day that all I wanted was for my body to become reliable and trustworthy again-- WHAT! No. My body is the Lord's temple, He can do with it what He pleases. He alone will sustain me and my body both. Now, I can feel in my heart even now the twinge of fear that in giving up my body, I may encounter more serious medical problems. That would be hard. My heart is screaming to go overseas and work in missions with people who are crying out for Something more in their lives. I understand that if my body cannot handle it, the Lord may have something else in mind for me, and that terrifies me. But here's the thing: I am so out-of-this-world excited (literally) to meet God after this life is over--"when change and tears are past"-- that I want to be able to see His face and know that I followed Him into the life He had for me even if it wasn't what I thought I wanted. I want to receive the coveted "Well done, My good and faithful servant." I want to follow Him in this life so that I can follow Him into the next with an easy heart. If you start following Him now, it'll be routine by the time we're ready to pass on. I'm so excited about Jesus. How good a God you are, Lord. Thank you.
Also thank you to all you who have prayed me through these most recent developments! My PICC line is now removed and we hope everything is back to normal! I will be flying back to PA with Aaron on the 17th of December and look forward to seeing many of you over the weeks following. I harbor much love and thankfulness for you all! God bless you, truly.
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