A Please-Read-Revelation!

My Loved Ones.

I simply must share something that I have just been confronted on by the Lord.

In early March of this year, as I was camping in the Australian bush, I had a conversation with the King of the universe. First, I told Him clearly that I had no idea how to pray "correctly," and I told Him that, as I believed He is omniscient, I believed Him to know my heart and prayer even though I didn't know how to get my desires to Him in "the right way," if there even is a "right way" to pray. Then, I asked the Lord to refine me. I told Him to be real about it; I wasn't up for slow, minuscule refinement over the course of 10-20 years. I asked Him to put me in a difficult situation that only He could get me through in one piece.

I came back from that trip and met Aaron, the man I'm currently dating, three days later. I'll save you the details and tell you that the Lord humbled me so entirely during those initial two weeks of getting to know that man that I barely knew who I was at the end of it. The Lord (bless You, Father, for this), showed His love for me in creating a kind and patient man out of Aaron prior to our meeting so that, as I was humbled and reconstructed from the ground up, I was able to do it alongside a firm, stable, uplifting friend. ...But GRACIOUS, was it difficult.

A few weeks after that, my most beloved possession on the face of the planet was hit by a car--this being my precious Kiwi, the kitten I was given for Christmas of '08 and who had cuddled me through all the hardships any typical young girl could undergo in life.

Fast forward a few more weeks and cue the slow-mo image of my hair floating upwards in an anti-gravity state as I flew through the air, having leapt from a hard, smooth tree branch, headed towards hard, rough gravel.

Since then... Well, most of you know.

Here is what I've been confronted on:

I asked for this. I sincerely asked to be put through the hardest refinement possible in order to become purer, faster. (Hello to my never ending impatience, shining through the story yet again.) And another thing: I do not regret asking in the least. The Lord has rendered my heart to an entirely new state than it was in just a year ago, and that is exactly what I desired and still desire most of all.

Here is what I have been dwelling on: the Lord has been UNFATHOMABLY good to me this past year. I say without hesitation that it has been the hardest and best year of my life. I am overcome by a desire to sing praises to Him at the top of my lungs-- but sadly it's here in Fischer Hall, and there's something called "quiet hours" from 11-9 each night. (I don't think I will ever understand that concept of "quiet hours." How about you, mom?)

Honestly, I am inexplicably excited about this concept. The Lord gave me the deepest desire of my heart, and here I was, sitting alone, sometimes even hoping for early relief or super speed fixes or miraculous healing from it, frustrated by my own confusion over what was happening to me. What in the world! Anna! Look at what's happened to you! The Lord has changed your life for the better! I remember saying just the other day that all I wanted was for my body to become reliable and trustworthy again-- WHAT! No. My body is the Lord's temple, He can do with it what He pleases. He alone will sustain me and my body both. Now, I can feel in my heart even now the twinge of fear that in giving up my body, I may encounter more serious medical problems. That would be hard. My heart is screaming to go overseas and work in missions with people who are crying out for Something more in their lives. I understand that if my body cannot handle it, the Lord may have something else in mind for me, and that terrifies me. But here's the thing: I am so out-of-this-world excited (literally) to meet God after this life is over--"when change and tears are past"-- that I want to be able to see His face and know that I followed Him into the life He had for me even if it wasn't what I thought I wanted. I want to receive the coveted "Well done, My good and faithful servant." I want to follow Him in this life so that I can follow Him into the next with an easy heart. If you start following Him now, it'll be routine by the time we're ready to pass on. I'm so excited about Jesus. How good a God you are, Lord. Thank you.

Also thank you to all you who have prayed me through these most recent developments! My PICC line is now removed and we hope everything is back to normal! I will be flying back to PA with Aaron on the 17th of December and look forward to seeing many of you over the weeks following. I harbor much love and thankfulness for you all! God bless you, truly. Click Here to Read More..

Loving Jesus When Life Goes South

Greetings, Loved Ones.

I wanted to wait to write this until my emotions were slightly more stable; I've been spontaneously bursting into tears over the past 10 days! During that time, I acquired many stories. Some gruesome, some funny, some hopeful, and some just plain old sad.

First: I got a culture taken from an abscess on my leg. Two days later I was admitted to the hospital for possible whooping cough along with a possibly infectious disease in my ankle.

The first night in the hospital, they put me on IV antibiotics. I woke up delusional at 2 AM scratching at my scalp, arms, chest, and neck, realizing minutes later as I woke up more fully that every time I scratched my skin it started to burn. I pressed the nurse button and called my mom, frantically asking if I was allergic to any medicines, fumbling to pull the IV tubes out of my arm. As the pain got worse, my poor mother had to endure listening to me sob into the help button radio, "Someone please help me, all of my skin is burning, help me!" until someone finally came to help. Turns out they had been pumping a certain medicine into me at much too fast a rate for my "sensitive system" to handle. So that was night one.

Then the nurses came in and told me they'd have to insert a PICC line into me, which is basically a thicker, longer IV tube. I must say: this hurt. Again, my "sensitive system" came into play. I tried not to watch too intently as they repeatedly pushed and pulled the tubing in and out of my upper arm, but seeing the nurse's gloved fingers coming up covered in blood didn't help.

My mother arrived promptly the next day and my morale was boosted. Later, a doctor came into my room and told us that I was going to need to have the hardware that was put into my leg in Australia removed entirely, as he believed that was what was causing the infection. This was difficult news as I was just three physical therapy visits away from being completely back to normal with my ankle - THREE VISITS! The end was so close and now I had to start all over again.

Aaron (that Aussie man I'm dating whom I told you about in my last post) arrived the following day from Wisconsin - his arrival also lifted my spirits. He and my mother met for the first time that morning in the hospital lobby, neither of them expecting to see each other there but both recognizing each other from pictures.

I received surgery the next day (day 3) which was grand until I woke up from the anesthesia. They were keeping a mask over my mouth due to the suspected whooping cough, so I felt like I couldn't breathe. I began to hyperventilate and in my sluggish mind I thought I was suffocating. The nursing staff retrieved Aaron from the waiting room in hopes he could calm me down. He came in and prayed over me and I called out "Jesus, help me!" before immediately falling back into a deep sleep. (Cool, eh?)

Two days later they discharged me with a no weight bearing order for my leg and I was sent back to my dorm at Wheaton College, to a new room on the first floor that was wheelchair accessible. In much pain and on many meds, I nearly vomited all over my dorm's lawn on my first day trying to get around.

Just today I received word about a couple things: first, my bone is infected, meaning I have osteomyelitis. While this is a very serious infection, my 6 week course of IV antibiotics should eradicate it (but please pray that it will!). Second, I'm being transferred to at-home care, meaning a nurse will come to my college and teach me how to administer my own doses of medication through my PICC line, making it possible for me to be detached from the CADD pump, which was greatly restricting my daily routine and causing me large amounts of discomfort and pain.

Conclusion: I have been battling feeling alone and overwhelmed, even though I know I have so many supporting me (thank you!!!).

Please continue to pray for me and my family as we battle through this struggle- I was so sure it was over, so sure the Lord was bringing me to the end of the tunnel, and suddenly I seem to be going through it all over again. My heart hurts sometimes with the feeling of helplessness. The Lord is making Himself known to me in this time just as He did in Australia, but somehow now He is not only testing my endurance but my willingness to go on. I know the Lord has me here at college for a reason and I am determined to stay to serve that purpose. There is a line in a hymn that I have been singing to myself frequently that says "I will cling to that old rugged Cross and exchange it some day for a crown." So many hymns have spoken to me over these past days, but for those of you struggling with loneliness or helplessness, I encourage you to listen to "Be Still My Soul", "It Is Well With My Soul", and "I Come to the Garden." Truly, the Lord dwells with you and I. Just like last time, please don't pray my struggle would get easier. Pray for me that the Lord would put me through whatever necessary to refine me into the woman needed to fulfill the plan He has for my life-- I believe that plan is spectacular, and I have asked many a time for God to not let me be unprepared for it. If this is what it takes, I will cling to that old rugged Cross, and one day, I surely will exchange it for a crown. Jesus is always good, always loving, always kind. I will love Him before myself and He will sustain me when, literally, I can no longer walk.

Thank you all, as always, for your prayers in this time- truly they have been so encouraging. The Lord bless and keep you all!!

Love, Anna Click Here to Read More..

The Man I'm Dating and Other News

Greetings, Loved Ones!

First things first: at a local church this morning, I was struck with a realization. God's children are beautiful. The man in the over sized hoodie and worn down jeans, raising his hands. The woman with perfect makeup not quite hiding that she hasn't slept right in a week, sighing in relief of exhaustion as she sings. The child with doughnut crumbs and frosting on her face, army-crawling down the center aisle while her mom trips over her heels trying to grab her before she evades her. The teenager biting her nails in the second row, trying to not be obvious that she's uncomfortable in the middle of such loud people. We've all got our quirks, but we were all there, moderately clean and somewhat personable. I can't say we were all there out of genuine desire as opposed to obligation or out of a true yearning for a meeting with the Lord as opposed to a perceived betterment of social standing amongst religious peers, but one thing I can say is this: God met us regardless, and it was wonderful.

I wish I had been more focused the entire service - I was not focused, not when I went in. It's a constant struggle to not always think about my schedule, how straight my sweater is, whether I'm singing on pitch, oh darn it I forgot my Bible and people are going to think I'm a heathen, my foot hurts in this shoe and when will I get to eat next. But my heart and mind got there eventually. And when two or more are gathered in His name, there He shall be also. We were together, bonding with one another over a mutual desire to recognize the goodness, faithfulness, and WORTHINESS of our God to be praised. We were children, lifting our hands and voices, our hearts attuned to the heart of the Lord, desiring to let it be known how much we adore our Father. How great is that? Beautiful.

Second: I am dating someone and here's the 411: His name is Aaron Fischer, he is a 23 year old native Australian whom I met in the second half of my Discipleship Training School whilst in Australia myself. He, too, was doing the training course, but began it in October, and thus finished months prior to my graduation. I have mentioned him nonchalantly throughout my blog in the past: for instance, if you track back to when I posted about my fall, he is the "friend" who was with me in the tree. At any rate, we became great friends as he was one of two people I knew in Australia while stranded in the hospital, left behind from my team headed to Papua New Guinea. As I moved back to America, we decided to date. After 4 months of long distance, he has now made the same journey across the Pacific that I made in the summer (only I did it with one leg--heh, heh) and moved to Madison, Wisconsin to be a missionary with YWAM, Madison. He has come through divine intervention, if you'll take my word for it. I was with him in the process of his finding his way here: it could never have come together without the Lord's hand. I'd love to tell y'all the story some time. He has started a blog to keep his own supporters updated (of which he could honestly use more, as any unpaid missionary could), so if you'd like to check it out, click here for the link to his blog. He is just beginning to add articles, so please check back for news on his developing ministry there right on the campus of the University of Wisconsin. His first article is actually about his first impressions of America and let me tell you: it's hysterical to hear an Australian's first impressions of America.

Random fact of the post:

He visited me for a few days when he arrived in the States for the first time. Some of my favorite quotes from the week:

"Oh, so that's a squirrel!"

"Wow. It's cold here."

(While trying to preheat the oven): "What do these temperatures mean?! Help me, I'm so confused."

"Everyone is so American."

"Everything has frosting on it."

"You have drive through ATM's? Seriously? I've heard about those but I thought they were a joke."

Alright dear ones. Thank you as always for reading and for your prayers! My leg has healed up quite well! Praise the Lord! I now walk without assistance and minimal limping! However, in the past couple of days I believe I have slipped a disc in my scoliosis-ridden back. In addition, I have developed the worst cough of my life. Going to the health center tomorrow to see what's wrong because whooping cough has apparently been quarantined on our campus and I have the symptoms. Obviously the coughing kills my back. Bummer. But God is good! He will fix me. There is power in faithful prayer, though, so please, do pray! Thank you as always. Love, Anna Click Here to Read More..

Update and Some Thoughts

Greetings, Loved Ones!

The last couple of days have been days of reflection and remembering. I was, just yesterday, remembering what it was like to stand, with two bare feet, in cooled sands, on the coast of the Pacific Ocean, listening to the waves roll and crash, watching the moonlight glimmer on the water, feeling the warm, summers-night breeze wrap me up in contentment.

So. Reality check: I have to go to a meeting on the other side of campus ...I am a college student, however discontent that statement makes me. Now, that can mean many different things. In this case, it means: I didn't bring a raincoat. Heaven knows I've never used an umbrella in my life (I don't like looking like a tree with a canopy over it). I can't make a mad dash through the rain due to the cinder block occupying my right leg. So. I put on a sweatshirt, pulled the hood up, and walked through the rain, contrasting these two experiences--one on the coast of the Pacific, one on the brinks of Chicago.

Luckily, I dearly love rain, so it wasn't a "doom and gloom" thought train at all, but rather I was dwelling on the fact that the Lord has blessed me with the ability to walk again, and through the rain, and at a steady pace, and I haven't fallen yet, and the rain is cool and the air is hot, and (my favorite) since everyone else apparently hates being out in the rain, I was alone walking through campus. Blessed aloneness. I was able to walk through hazy streets, see the puddles on the sidewalks, watch the rain fall off the color-changing leaves and find a new home in the grass. All in blessed, blessed, quiet, still aloneness. Praise the Lord.

Lastly, I thought I'd share with you all what I've been meditating on. First: the book of Zephaniah. If you haven't read it recently due to it's being a prophet and "not relatable" to life these days, go read it with an open mind and a humbly listening heart. If I could go back and change one thing about my relationship with Christ in the past, it would be all the times I read the Bible haughtily, thinking I knew which books could speak to me and how they could speak to me, drawing from my factual knowledge of the Bible and its contents rather than my relationship with the One who created it. Second: I was reading a short story by George Saunders yesterday called "The Semplica Girl Diaries". Nearing the end of the story, the narrator attends a funeral, at which he poses, to himself, the question: "Why were we put here, so inclined to love, when the end of our story = death? That harsh. That cruel. Do not like."

I thought on this for a long while. If there is no marriage in heaven then there are thus no families, in the literal, immediate sense of the word. So why, then, are we called to love anyone other than God alone? Why should we love our families or neighbors--why can we not simply be good to them out of obedience to Christ? Adam needed a helper, yes, but why must there be love involved in the relationship? Is it perhaps because God is love, and we, made in His image, mirror it without choice? Perhaps, then, the greatest apologetics argument is love. Why were we put here, so inclined to love, unless death is not the end of our story?

If any of you have any thoughts on the above pondering, I'd love to hear them if you'd like to - you can email me here or comment below. I have come to no firm resolution. I know only this:

"I am His and He is mine in a love which cannot cease, I am His, and He is mine."

Random fact of the post:

A squirrel ran by me quite furiously the other day, across the sidewalk in front of me, into the lawn beside me. He had an acorn in his mouth. He looked at me and froze, as if to say "I see you there- don't think you can move without my seeing you", and proceeded to shove his acorn-filled head into the ground with such ferocity that I was a bit taken aback. I went all the way up to him before he noticed me, at which time he jumped into the air, dropping the nut, and bolted into the trees. I suppose the Lord gives me encounters with crazy (not "cool" crazy--just plain crazy) animals because he knows I can relate.

My leg has improved slightly with physical therapy, praise Jesus.

Love and appreciation to you all! Lord bless and keep you!

Anna Click Here to Read More..

College Impressions

Greetings, Loved Ones!

I have attended Wheaton College for two weeks now, and wanted to share some first impressions with you.

Community living is the same as it was when I did it for the first time at 15. Everyone is young, loud, and rarely takes out the trash.

The food is stunningly better than I expected, even from the top ranked college cafeteria in the States. Yesterday there was freshly caught salmon...for lunch.

Almost all the first year students dress up for class. They wake up roughly two hours before their class and shower, put on the perfect outfit, do their makeup. They look so good. All of them. I wake up 20 minutes before I have to leave. 10 of those are spent adjusting my eyes to the light of the windows...My earliest classes start at 11:15 a.m.

The cobblestones. They look good. They feel terrible on an ankle in rehab.

No one remembers your name except those people who you forget the names of. (Cringe.)

My roommate is a 5'1" flute major and couldn't be a more fantastic fit with me. She turned to me during the first few days of living here and said "What are all these people doing? Ugh. I did NOT come here for the social interactions."

It's hard. Contentment is hard. My heart is hurting, my body wants to be traveling, my mouth wants to be speaking of Jesus to the people who have never heard His name.

There are cliques. Last week I went up to the football-team table and took the Sriracha sauce they had taken from the buffet line with a "Can I borrow this? Thanks." They all looked at me as if I had four heads. But, know this: my friend's rice was not dry that day.

Random fact of the post:

My dorm room faces west, so we get to watch stunning sunsets. Yesterday, due to large amounts of smoke, the sun went blood red, and promptly disappeared behind a hazy gray sky while still high above the horizon. Breathtaking.

Leg update: my leg has digressed quite a bit. I've had to take up the moonboot again, as I have to walk over a mile and some each day for all my classes, and cannot do that over cobblestones while only wearing a lace up ankle brace. My pain has at least tripled, but if I stop walking on it, my tolerance will digress further, and I'll be back to square 1. So- pray! I can't see a practical outcome here, so I'm trusting Jesus to take up the fight for me.

Thank you all for praying, as always! You are dear to me in an irreplaceable way.

Lord bless.
Anna Click Here to Read More..

From the Hospital to the Windy City!

Greetings, Loved Ones!

So! It's been a month since my last post, almost to the day! I apologize for being so absent- I promise I'll get better again! Suddenly, as I was home, my life turned from a series of frequent adventures which I was eager to share with you all into more of a roiling ocean of uncertainty and doubt.

My leg, upon return to the U.S., was thought to be infected. To figure out whether that was the case, I was subject to several different medications, multiple scans, and a series of tests that were quite involved and took over four weeks to fully complete. I was told that I would most likely have to postpone attending university in Chicago, Illinois if the tests came up positive, as I would have to undergo multiple surgeries and washouts.

Praise be to the Lord, the tests all came up negative, and they showed no signs of infection or need for further investigation. (Thank you Jesus!) So, what this means: my life has taken yet another turn, and in a week, I will be completely submerging myself in "college" culture. I'll be right next to the world class city of Chicago, which I plan to explore and adventure in to the maximum, while at the same time having an experience that is known to be unique and irreplaceable. Apparently, from what those wiser than I have said, college lends insight to a certain aspect of life that simply nothing else can.

I am all of a sudden looking at my life from a wholly different perspective; I am wholeheartedly committed to living the life that Jesus wants for me, but am constantly confronted by the fact that I have absolutely no idea where my life is going. I'm continually told not to worry about it, because "I'm young" and "I have time to figure it out", but that is purely and simply not enough for me. If I am able to get myself to a point of "not worrying about it", it will certainly not be due to my age. Who knows how long I have to figure it out? As C. S. Lewis states in his Screwtape Letters: "The man can neither make, nor retain, one moment of time; it all comes to him by pure gift; he might as well regard the sun and moon as as his chattels."

I honestly don't know where my life Is going, or even where Christ will take me in the next couple of years, but I am determined to live my life serving the Lord, no matter when or how or where it takes me. I hope to continue posting about how I go about fulfilling that commitment whilst at college. After that - who knows? No matter what, I hope to include you all on the journey, as I so dearly love and respect you all, and am so grateful towards each one of you for all the support you have lavished me and my family with.

Thank you, as always, and God bless!

Random fact of the post:

I was at the hospital the other day, and while I was limping towards the X-ray wing, a nurse came up behind me and said "Oh wow, you're so tall! Do you play basketball?" And let me just tell you: in that moment, with my boot on my leg, looking down at this smiling nurse, I couldn't help but laugh at my life. I smiled, and said "Used to, but anymore I am too busy jumping out of trees and such. I like to keep things interesting like that." Thank you all again for praying me through this time. 

As always, if you'd ever like to get into contact with me, my email address is annawinters5056@gmail.com. God bless. Click Here to Read More..

Miles To Go Before I Sleep...

Greetings, Loved Ones!

So. I am back in Pennsylvania, in the good old U. S. of A. I made it- I traversed skies, continents, and oceans, all alone, on crutches, and I made it safe and sound back to my family and my community (which are one in the same, in many ways!). I've been on EST for just over 2 weeks and am FINALLY getting settled in a regulated sleeping pattern.

The question that should be posed: have I retained the growth that I experienced whilst being overseas, or have I slipped back into ordinary, bland, lukewarm lifestyles?

The answer: I don't think it's for me to say. It's not for me to tell everyone how much I've changed. Of course, for my part, I can identify a stark difference in my own life; the enthusiasm and endurance that I now follow Christ with is a sharp contrast to the circumstantial, moody love I had for Him and His plans only a couple of years ago. In Matthew 7:16 it says that we will know trees by their fruit, and so, if you truly desire to know what I am like these days, let me know! We'll get together!

If you're wondering at all what it's like for me to be back, I will be honest: it's not always easy. I am used to working and learning all day every day, with some of my closest friends only a few doors away, being able to go out into the Australian sun and sing praises to the Lord for all He's done for His children. Granted, I can still do that last part here- but suddenly, I'm not working, I've left several people on the other side of the world who I miss very dearly, I have physical therapy several times a week, and I am preparing to attend Wheaton College this Autumn. I am where the Lord has called me to be. I know this to be true. However, I'm starting to wonder if the "comfortable call" isn't harder for me than the "uncomfortable call." When I was wheeling around, in pain, working 8-5 in Australia, I was going through so much inwardly and outwardly that I had absolutely no doubt (or time to doubt!) that I was being refined at a gloriously rapid pace. Now that I am back, I feel the Lord may be stalling me a bit, calling me to be patient in a life where not much is happening to me. I am still growing ever closer to Him, if only through daily life, but I cannot feel the refining being done anymore. Ah, well. I suppose this is just a new angle with which to look upon my life, ultimately resulting in, as always, the need to depend on Christ.

Well, friends, I'm glad to be back amongst you. The Lord has been so good to me over the past 6 months and continues to be good as I readjust to my life back here in America. Thank you deeply for your prayers. Many of you- MANY- have come up to me and told me that you have been praying for me, even if I didn't know you before I left. That encourages me more than my words can express. Your prayers had a mammoth impact, let me just tell you. Thank you again, and God bless!

Random Fact of the Post:

I think that I will keep this blog up and running. I feel that, especially as I begin college (and whatever else my life entails in the next season), the Lord will continue to have me live a life that defies the norm of even what I expected for myself, and through that, bless me with interestingly unusual experiences that make His love for us evident and undeniable. I would love to continue to have a medium to share those happenings with you all! I also plan to live a life full of travel, so perhaps it would be beneficial to have a blog where I can track both my journeys- my journey across the face of the earth, and my journey from this world into the house and arms of my Father.

Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart.

Anna

"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep." -Robert Frost, Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening. Click Here to Read More..

I'll Be Back!

Greetings, Loved Ones!

This will probably be my last post before I am back in the USA! Our graduation ceremony was last night! We officially completed our Discipleship Training School on Friday morning, and I lift off Australian ground Saturday night.

These past couple of weeks have been pure insanity- my team returned from Papua and we're all in the throes of debrief and saying goodbye. It's been hard for me- hearing the stories, seeing friends I've been apart from for 6 weeks... Even small things, like having to stay back from late night food outings because my wheelchair would be too much of a hassle. That's all alright, though- the Lord has kept my spirits sheltered under His wings and so I cling to the joy of the morning that I know is coming! Dawn will soon break on my leg situation- my cast should be off in the next week (if I can't get out of it here, the U.S. will take care of me!) and then, after lots of physical therapy, I should soon be walking!

Even through all the hardship I've experienced here, my heart is heavy as I contemplate leaving. The relationships I've built here truly will last a lifetime- it will be hard to say goodbye, but I will see them again. The memories are plentiful and priceless.

I suppose I should list just a few of my final impressions of this country as I head off. First, though, I should say- there's not a doubt in my mind that I'll be back here soon.

I've become used to the driving on the left side of the road. I look the right way at the right time and have grown used to the driver being on the right side of the car. My family and friends will have to watch me my first few months back in the States when I cross the street.

Raw coconut is delectable.

Winter in Australia is very sneaky: the fact that the temp goes down does NOT mean someone who is as fair skinned as me can be safe in the sun. I was just burnt to a crisp a week and a half ago.

Well, that's all for now- I'm going to be in a whirlwind once I get home, conquering jet lag (its 10x worse going to the Northern Hemisphere than the Southern), getting my leg working again, preparing for what's next in my life. I hope to see all of you soon- I would love to meet with as many of you one-on-one as I can! My love language is quality time, so if you would like to see me, don't hesitate to send me an email and get a hold of me!

Random fact of the post:

A little while ago, I was rolling around the city in the evening, getting some fresh air. My friend and I decided to stop and sit on a patch of grass and shortly noticed we weren't the only ones there- a possum (not an opossum- they're different!) came right up to us and started nibbling my toes. I reached out and pet it- they're so soft. I've had multiple interactions with possums whilst living in this country- I've not regretted a single one.

Bless you all, and I can't thank you enough for all of your support.

Anna Click Here to Read More..

Legs and God.

Greetings, Loved Ones.

I went back to the hospital last week. The appointment was to get a fiberglass cast put on my leg in place of the back slab (half-fabric-half-plaster-cast) that had been protecting it since surgery. I was quite excited to get this tougher cast - which would make it easier to move around - or so I hoped. So they cut off my post-surgery cast and revealed my (hopefully) healing ankle. It was hard for me to see my little leg, most of the calf muscle already deteriorated, paired with the ugliness of the green and brown and pink from the antiseptics and swelling. Not to mention the nearly 50 stitches on both sides of my leg. They began work on my leg straight away - and I began to grow concerned. I asked if it was safe to take out all of the stitches just yet--the nurse responded by saying there were another set of 50 underneath the skin--dissolvable. So I shut my mouth.

Removing the stitches was about 15 minutes or so of the most uncomfortable tugging sensation of my life. It was a sickening feeling that I know some of you can relate to, and also surprisingly painful. It was at about this time that the full force of what happened to me - what was still happening to me - rested upon my brain more concretely. I felt nauseous and anxious, but with little or no room to process what was going on or how I was feeling.

And then the stitches were out, and I heaved a sigh of relief. They wiped down the incisions again and put new bandages on and waited for the surgeon to check things out. I was deeply disappointed to hear him say that there was no way I would be getting a cast that day. He said my foot was still far too swollen and that I would need another back slab. I asked if I would have to come in again to get an actual cast and he said no, that I would "just be in the back slab for four weeks" and then they would "pop me in a moon boot."

The surgeon left, and I was asked to hop off the table and into my wheelchair so I could be moved to the room where they would put my new back slab on. Discouragement began to settle like a dark haze over my world. My family was on the other side of the earth, my closest friends were in PNG, and the women who had come with me to the hospital were somewhere that I didn't know how to get to. I was trying to keep my spirits up, but it felt like a losing battle. I got my new cast and got back into my wheelchair, wheeled myself around, and promptly ran over my one good foot. Ugh. I chastised myself for my endless stubborn determination to be independent. Just in case I wasn't feeling bad enough, I thought some self condemnation might be just the right medicine for my tired soul.

Suddenly, I was beyond discouraged. Deep sorrow grasped my whole heart. My heart sank as I felt internal pain to rival the external.

In my not so great state, my dear YWAM family gave me the day off to recover - but first they prayed for me and over me, which was such a blessing. Several people prayed, and I noticed that they all asked the Lord to take the pain away - probably because they could see I was so full of it at that point. And out of nowhere, out of somewhere deep inside my heart, I asked them not to pray for that any more. I said something like: "You know, this is the pain that's been allotted to me, and I'm alright with feeling it. I find that often times you grow far closer to people in times of sorrow than in times of joy, and that's what's happening with the Lord and I right now. Misery loves a partner, and that partner for me right now is Christ, as He is here with me, in the absence of all of my friends and family, feeling my pain with me. What kind of a foolish girl would I be if I rebuked the chance He's given me to grow closer to Him?"

Now, where did that come from I wondered? I tell you what though, discouragement fled. Suddenly I realized what I had been telling people for months--something I had read in a book by C.S.Lewis--that I didn't own anything, so how could I be upset at it's being taken away? The Lord gives me many blessings, but I have no entitlement to them, and if the Lord sees a more efficient way to grow me up in Him without those blessings, then so be it.

I am still in pain, but I am no longer lonely. Christ has revealed Himself to me in a way even clearer than I believe I could have experienced in PNG. I already knew Him to be a God of the spirit realms, powerful and able to heal miraculously, able to be felt distinctly and vividly. I already knew Him to be the God of adventures, the God I would climb endless mountains for, the God I would live on the mission field for, the God whose Name I would shout with triumph at anything evil that I came up against. The conquering God I was already acquainted with. The divinely intervening God I was already acquainted with. And now I knew Him first hand to be Someone I hadn't foreseen all too clearly: the God Who sits with you when your independence is gone. The God Who is your close companion when all the others are far away. The God Who feels your pain as you run over your own toes in the hallway of the hospital.

Here is the difference my friends: the God I had known before, the God I would do anything for because He was omnipotent and omnipresent and omniscient- the God I had utmost faith in because I knew He could never fail- though I knew Him, I didn't know Him to be personal - or at least not personal in this way. He was a King to me, not a companion. Sure I'd felt Him help me along in life. Sure I'd heard Him speak, clearly and frequently, even, throughout the hard times in my life. But suddenly, I knew Him in a whole new light. I now feel as though I truly can undergo anything- not because if I fail the Lord will conquer in another way, but because no matter what happens to me, the Lord my God will never leave me nor forsake me. Even as my own body has failed me, I know I cannot lose, because I have experienced the friendship of the Lord. What more could I possibly ask for? I regret nothing in breaking my leg. I would give this experience up for nothing. All the pain, all the loneliness, all the fear of having missed out on endless adventures-- it fades. I am experiencing and will now continue to experience for the rest of my life the wonderful relationship that is personal love between my Lord and myself. He cares for me and He feels my pain. He is carrying me through like a comrade in arms. I wouldn't change where I am if you offered me the world. Click Here to Read More..

Rolling through life...

Greetings, Loved Ones.

So. I have been discharged from the hospital and living back at base for almost 2 weeks now. During this time, I have made several important discoveries.

Discovery 1: When people see you in a wheelchair with a broken leg, they automatically assume you are completely incapable of any human function. This frequently translates to people assuming you need help with ordinary, day-to-day tasks. For instance: moving. Let me make this clear, lest there be any confusion: my upper body is completely competent to push the weight of myself whilst in a wheelchair. Yet, many a person will run up to me, out of meetings, away from meals, out of rooms, away from work, just to come up behind me and INSIST, sometimes against my request, to push my wheelchair 20 meters. This could certainly be the Lord removing my pride further, but it doesn't stop me from asking: in what world is it socially appropriate to take control of a disabled person's life (even if under the claim of "courtesy") by rolling them around in a wheelchair they cannot get out of even when they tell you your help is not needed? In addition, people will often run up behind me as I'm rolling around and grab my wheels or put the breaks on. This was only slightly funny the first time. By now, I have had to resort to spinning my chair on a dime to stop them from being able to get to my wheels at all- sometimes resorting to rolling over their toes on accident because they were too close to me. At any rate, it's humbling for me to no longer be able to operate on the level I am used to, and even more humbling to be at the mercy of anyone, including small children, who feel and act on the impulse to grab my wheelchair and push me places I don't want to go.

Discovery 2: Office work, from 8-5 daily, is hard. I now work as a receptionist in the offices here at YWAM Townsville to substitute my going to PNG. To be able to graduate, I had to make up the outreach work I am involuntarily forgoing by staying in Australia, and so I have been made a sort of student-staffer. The days are long and often hot, and I am often tired and lonely.

Discovery 3: The Lord will speak to you when you give him time. I'm sure you can tell by this point in my article that my demeanor has taken somewhat of a toll. For the past two weeks I have been very busy, from 7 am until often times 10 pm or later, 6 days a week, working. On Sunday, I am often too tired to even gather two thoughts to rub together. I will admit that there have been days when I have prioritized like an idiot and pushed spending time with my God to the back burner. What kind of a fool does that? Here I am, trying to carry the weight of new work, loneliness, physical pain, etc., knowing full well that I CANNOT do it alone, and still deciding that a nap is more important than conversing with the Lord and hearing what He has to say to me. Although to be sure, naps are sometimes the only choice I can make! But truly - I have found during this time a deeper need for time with the Lord than I have known up until now, which is wonderful and also difficult.

For those of you who may not see much point in talking to the Lord unless you have a question or a request, let me just share with you something - He is not just an omniscient God of answers, but also a God of encouragement. It is incredible to me how light my burdens feel after crying out to the Lord for help. I'll be honest, there have been many a time these last days when I have felt as though I'm being strangled slowly. The amount of small details in my life that piled up and needed attention astounded me. Whether it be the hospital needing information I didn't have, the healthcare store giving me a wheelchair with a broken wheel, the incision on my inner ankle breaking open and bleeding through the cast (yes, actually, that does hurt as much as you're thinking it does), not being able to eat because of the painkillers I'm on, both of my pets dying while I'm out of the country...You get the idea. And yet, right when I feel as though I'm ready to wheel myself away into the great unknown, the Lord speaks to me and says "My dear little one, I have so much in store for you; this is only the dry season, refreshing rain will come soon." Then, like a vapor in the wind, all my worries disappear. I realize that people are kinder to me in the streets because they have sympathy on a crippled girl. I realize that I'm in Australia, living a story most people wouldn't believe. I realize that I'll be going home soon to a family who loves me. I realize that I have friends here who mean more to me than I could ever have thought possible. I realize that I have supporters all over the world - people who are diligently praying for me - sometimes hourly. I realize no matter what happens, broken bones or no, I have the Good Shepherd watching over me--what can be unbearable when that is the case? I'm living a wonderful life. I am blessed with friends and family who love me. I get mail all the time with flowers and teddy bears and chocolate and kind words. How could I ever overlook these blessings under the notion that my life is just too hard? Ridiculous.

I find that my life often becomes how I look at it. When I am skeptical, both of myself and of those around me, misery and self pity kick in with shocking ferocity. When I choose to see the blessings the Lord has granted me today, when I decide not to heap those gifts on the alter of "the future", looking so far ahead that I neglect to see what has been given me now, hope and excitement lift me off the ground. This does not mean life isn't hard sometimes- but, as I have said before, my situation is my situation no matter if I am joyful about it or not.

So, then, why not be joyful? There truly are so many reasons to praise Him after all.

Random Fact of the Post:

I tried seafood for the first time ever in my life last week! My friend and I went out to a fish and chips place on the beach and I tried two whole bites of crumbed mackerel. Not bad, actually- I would try it again. Being a vego, though, it'll probably be a while... But my first experience was overall pretty darned delightful. Thank you again for your prayers. My parents often tell me of each one of you stopping them and asking them for updates because you pray for me so often. I can't tell you how much this means to me and how much it has helped me. Click Here to Read More..

How Am I Doing, You Ask?

Greetings, Loved Ones.

This post might be hard to read for some of you- those who are squeamish, and those who are particularly in touch with their empathetic side.

I have found that there is a certain degree to which you can ignore life. I don't know where to start this article to be honest- I suppose I will start with telling you that, right now, life is hard. Let me just squelch the skepticism right now- I understand that I am in a first world hospital with good care and enough food and loving people sending me flowers and visiting me daily. I understand that my life, by all worldly standards, is pretty darn good. I have a wonderful family and a bright future in front of me. This being established- right now, in this moment, life is hard for me.

As most of you already know, my surgery has been routinely pushed back every day since last Thursday. There have been three full days where I have been made to fast from all food and water all through until the evening before they have finally come in and told me that my surgery is, again, postponed. It is Monday night here, and tomorrow is Tuesday, my 11th day in the hospital, in this bed, in this corner of a room with three other sick women in it. I am CLINGING to the Lord here. Each day I read the Bible and each day I pray and each day I spend time with my Savior. I contact my parents frequently to let them know how I am doing, and each day I tell them that "It's hard, but I have the joy of the Lord, and He is keeping me strong". Now, He IS keeping me strong, but today His method of doing so changed from what I was familiar with-- the usual "fill my cup" strength was gone and replaced by something else. When it says in Ps. 34 that "the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit"- that's become me. The strength I have now is no longer the "divinely granted but also some of my own sanity and resilience" strength. The strength I have now is purely and only my Shepherd's, Who is close to me, surrounding me, and guarding me from what is hurting me. I am thoroughly crushed in spirit. I have been sprinting to keep up with what's been happening to me in this place but today I reached an end to my psychological endurance.

This morning, a doctor came in who was fresh out of med school and perhaps over confident in her abilities of cannulating (sticking the IV thing into your veins). I asked her if she was skilled, as I knew that, after fasting for almost three days, my veins would be quite dry. She waved me and my question aside. She proceeded to puncture my skin three times in two different arms before hitting the vein- when she hit it, it turned out that she had nothing on the back of the cannula. As you can imagine, blood came pouring from a very thick vein out the needle, pooled on my arm for about two seconds, and continued to pour out onto the bed, floor, and my belongings nearby. This was at 10:00 am; and was only the start to my day. I was told around 12:00 pm; by an extremely excited nurse that I was finally going to theater (surgical theater)- overcome with joy and excitement that my time here was finally coming to an end, I called my parents and told them. Then, as I was being prepped for surgery two minutes later, my nurse received a call that I would have to wait two hours for the "equipment to be made ready." So, I waited. Three hours later, I called a nurse in to see what was going on. She said she'd find out for me. I asked this of four more nurses before one finally came back at 4:45ish and told me that I was no longer going to theater today and that I could begin again to eat and drink. Until 10:00 pm, of course, when they would begin fasting me again for tomorrow.

Let me take a moment to say: disappointment has a certain potency to it that invokes both anger and self pity- a dangerous combination to nurture. I contacted my parents and friends and told them the news of the postponement. I attempted to stay focused on the fact that the Lord does have a plan and my day and week and month had gone like this for a reason. Basically, I stuffed my emotions. Stuffed them all. I refused to let myself feel self pity or sadness at all because in my mind, that's not the Lords will, and thus, why should I feel it?

During a phone call with my mother the other night, she told me that hurt needs to be felt. She pointed out that "sadness endures for the night, but joy comes in the morning" and thus, to feel absolute joy, you often must also feel genuine sorrow at some point before hand. I understood that logic with my mind, but my heart rejected it on the terms of "Well, I don't need that. I don't need any of that. I have Jesus. So there. I'm set. I'm perfect."

I just took a shower in the little bathroom attached to my hospital room here. Because of my leg, I had to be seated the whole time. Because I was seated, my leg was not elevated- this means it was throbbing and in serious pain. Because of my massacred cannula from this morning which was still inserted in my inner elbow, my left arm was unable to bend at all. After a short while, I realised I was not doing well in my heart. I was sitting there, trying to wash my hair and face and hold the shower head with my only working arm, feeling like my foot was about to pop like a balloon from all the blood that had flown into it, and suddenly I realized I was about to burst into tears. The realization shocked me, as outward expressions of emotion aren't my favorite- what do tears do anyway? I stuffed it down again and as I was trying to unlock the wheel-locks on my shower chair, I foolishly hit my head on the shelf on the wall in front of me. I looked at the shelf and thought of my mom saying "Sweety, you're going to have to hurt, and you're going to have to let yourself feel it." I didn't burst into tears- but suddenly I realized that I wasn't joyful anymore about being stuck in this hospital. I was in a good deal of physical pain and that pain was only amplified by the constant, cyclical routine of the doctors not communicating and postponing my procedure. I've been woken up every two to three hours for blood pressure and temperature checks every night for ten nights. I have lost count of the amount of blood thinning and pain killing injections I have been given. Every time I shower I have to wrap a trash bag around my cast and tape it to my leg, and every time I have to rip the tape off of my leg, and after 11 nights of doing that, it hurts. My upper legs, inner arms, and lower stomach are a mangled mess of blood spots and bruises from all that's been done to them. I freeze nightly because they don't have warm blankets here and they turn the aircon up way too strong, plus, on the doctors orders, I have to keep ice on my foot every night. I can't eat hardly ever, either because food is being withheld from me or the painkillers make me nauseous. I can feel the Lord with me, His heart aching for/with mine, but I still somehow feel alone most of the time.

Life is hard right now. I admit to my weakness. I admit that I am not doing as well as I was early on in my stay here. I admit that I am not sure how much more of this I can handle. I am screaming to the Lord to help me, and He is, but not in the way of deliverance. Deliverance is not the only way the Lord comes to aid. Sometimes, I find, He comes and sits with you and He says "Well, you're going to have to endure this through till the end. But I'll be with you. So take heart. Joy comes in the morning."

I love the Lord and I am willing to endure anything for the sake of Him and His plan for me. I used to say I would endure it with a joyful heart, but right now, my hurt needs to be felt by me. All this being said, I still ask that you would not pray that it would get easier- I do trust the Lord to take me through this on His own no matter how hard it gets. Like I said in my last post- pray that I get the message the Lord is sending me!

So, this is how I am doing, truly. I think of 2nd Corinthians (12, is it?) where it say that "I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness for when I am weak, then I am strong." I think of Matthew 5 when it says "Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted." Sorrow is a part of the Gospel, friends. Hurt must to be felt. The Lord is our Comforter- how can He comfort if His children neglect to feel hurt under the claim that they are always happy with the joy of the Lord? Thank you for your prayers, dear ones. They are much needed. Bless you all!

Random fact of the post:

My friend visited me on Friday and was able to wheel me outside for half an hour or so- we were on a balcony and the sun couldn't get to me but I could feel the breeze and I could hear the birds and in that moment, I was so blessed. Those are the moments I cling to here. It's not all bad. I've had some great memories here already. Even my vein spilling blood to make puddles on the floor will be a good story one day.

Be blessed, Anna Click Here to Read More..

...The Fall.

Greetings, Loved Ones.

You will note that my last blog post was titled "Pride Comes 'Fore a Fall"- oh, if I had only known how prophetic that article was!

I am writing this in bed #5 in the Women's Ward of Townsville Hospital. I will now give you a bit of background as to how I got here:
Last Saturday, on the second of May, I was climbing a tree with a wonderful friend of mine when I realized the fastest way to get down from the tree would be to jump off the limb I was sitting on. I knew that it was a rather high jump, but, seeing as I stand a solid 6 feet high, I decided that the 11 foot drop would really only be about 5 feet since my own height canceled out half of the distance. Believe it or not I actually knew my logic was faulty but I consciously decided to ignore that fact in light of the hope that luck would be on my side. Plus, why should I doubt my own physical abilities - even if I did just write a blog post about pride and falls and the dangers of depending on myself and such. What's the point of living life if you don't take a risk now and then anyway?

So, I jumped, and as I was falling, I actually had time to process my "free falling state" and complete the thought of: "yikes, this was a lot higher than I originally thought, and it's going to hurt when I hit the ground." A split second later (or, as the Kiwis say, "nek minnit") I fulfilled that foresight, and I felt my right leg...bend...in a way I had never felt before. Immediately rolling onto my back in the dirt, I looked at my friend still in the tree and said through bursts of laughter "that was such a bad idea!" We looked at each other, both of us laughing, when suddenly I lifted up my leg and saw that my foot hung to the side in a limp, baby-doll-like fashion. On the outside of my right shin, there was a sharp edge sticking outwards with the skin stretched tightly over the new found ridge. I said "I think this is broken" and proceeded to hop on my left foot (which I also bruised very badly) to the nearest park bench where we looked it over and ran some water over it to clean the dirt away.

Heading back to my room at the YWAM base (bringing the phrase "walk of shame" a whole new meaning- or, actually, hop of shame?) I got 4 staff-member-opinions on whether or not they thought it was broken. All four said "Can you move it?" And when I could - they all said "Nah, you'd be in way more pain if it were broken. I think it's just a bad sprain- wait a few days until the swelling goes down and then if you want to get it checked at the docs, someone will drive you." (At this point my entire lower leg had blown up to probably three times its normal size and you could no longer see the sharp point sticking out from underneath my skin - but the sight of your own bones pointing out of you like that is not a thought you dismiss too easily.) Still - we spent a hysterical afternoon trying to navigate me around my room on the third floor with only one foot and a longboard to sit on. At some point I called my loving mother, who promptly and forcefully told me to "Go to the hospital NOW and call me when you get there."  I got over my obstinance and made a quick call to a friend- next minute I was in a van with a YWAM staff member to drive and my dear friend Kayla (she came for emotional support) for what we all thought would be a quick trip to the local hospital.

When we got there, Kayla and I had a fantastic adventure trying to find the ER- me in a wheelchair holding crutches and her running behind me, pushing me down the sidewalks trying to find the right building. Once we reached our destination, we checked me in and Kayla wheeled me upstairs for X-Rays whilst our driver went to get a bite to eat, expecting us to be ready to go by the time he finished.

So, after a bit we got the X-rays, and as soon as the doctor got back into my room after looking at the results, this was the dialogue:

ME: "Give it to me straight, is it broken?"
DOCTOR: "Short answer, yes. Long answer... How long will you be in Australia for?"
(At this, Kayla, who was sitting next to me, groaned in sympathy)
ME: "I am scheduled to leave for PNG in 6 days."
DOCTOR: "6 days? Okay...No. You've broken your ankle in three places- you're going to need surgery. You'll be in a full cast for 6 weeks and then you'll move into a moon boot for another 6 and that'll be when you can first start to re acclimate your right leg to pressure."

At this point in the convo, my friend had gone silent, and I was laying on the hospital bench with my hand over my mouth in a state of shock and resigned helplessness. Understanding that there was nothing I could do about foregoing PNG, I said thank you to the doctor, turned to my friend, and said "Wow. Well, that's alright. It is well with my soul. The Lord has a plan. The Lord has a plan." Later in the evening, as the doctor was wrenching, or, as they say, "manipulating" my shattered foot into the correct position for a "back slide plaster" to be wrapped around it, I was smiling at him and making jokes about everything that had happened so far in the day. He noted this by saying "Boy, for the amount of pain I know you must be in right now, you're certainly the cheeriest patient I've ever seen." I looked at him with a grin, managed to get out "It's not me, it's the Lord- it's only the Lord", and then, for the first time that day, I burst into tears. My friend rushed to me and we both started to laugh through our tears. The rest of the night was painful in more ways than one. The tears stopped pretty quick, but were promptly replaced with my teeth chattering with physical pain like I had never experienced before in my life.

I have been through quite the ordeal. From not feeling fresh air for a week to getting told each morning that surgery will be "probably tomorrow", I have only been kept sane by the Lord and those He has placed around me who love and support me. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the flowers, gifts, phone calls and visits- they have been such an unspeakable blessing. It has been especially hard to watch my team leave for PNG as I stay behind in Townsville, but the Lord does indeed have a plan, and it is one to prosper me, not to harm me.

Something really interesting to share with you - during my stay here I have been reading the book "Hinds Feet on High Places" out loud to my best friend Katrina. During my first night at the hospital, Katrina came to visit me and she hopped into my hospital bed with me and we continued our tradition and picked up where we had left off the night before. The chapter we turned to had us bawling (it hasn't stopped going through my mind since). Here's an excerpt - I think you will agree it is from the Lord. Just to give you some background, the Good Shepherd has just told Much Afraid that she will be taking a detour from the path she originally thought He had her on...

"She was still crouching at His feet, sobbing as though her heart would break, but now she looked up through her tears, caught His hand in hers, and said, trembling, "I do love you, you know that I love you. Oh, forgive me, for I cannot help my tears. I will go down with You into the wilderness, right away from the promise, if you really wish it. Even if You cannot tell me why it has to be, I will go with You, for You know I do love You, and You have the right to choose for me anything that You please."

I couldn't have said it better. I cannot help my tears, but the Lord is my One True Love, above travel, above friendship, above physical well being. I will follow Him into the wilderness if He calls me, and it's seeming as though He has.

If you would, pray for my family. I am here in the hospital, and I am in pain, but there is nothing here that will crush me. The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and He SAVES those who are crushed in spirit, hey? I will make it through. Pray for my family, in particular my parents, as they are stuck on the other side of the world as their only daughter goes into her first surgery, under full anesthesia, to get 6-odd bolts and screws and a plate or two put into her leg. They are of course trusting the Lord, but I would rather be in my position than theirs any day. (Love you guys!)

Thank you all for your support. The Lord bless and keep you!

Random Fact of the Post:

They wake me up every other hour each night here at the hospital. Whether it be to take my blood pressure, hook up an IV to my arm, give me painkillers, take my temperature, etc., I never get more than two hours of consecutive sleep. I'm learning patience here- patience, as well as being content in helplessness. I couldn't run away even were I to try. I have to scooter myself around on a chair with wanky wheels just to get myself to the bathroom or to the shower. It's hysterically humbling. Thank you Jesus. Don't pray that it'd be easy for me- pray that I'd learn my lesson this time and not have to go through it again!

Blessings from a happily heartbroken and cheerfully ankle-broken daughter of a kind Lord,

Anna Click Here to Read More..

Pride Comes 'fore a Fall?

Greetings, Loved Ones!

Today, I have less of an adventure story for you. Today my post will be more of a personal resolution--a journey, if you will-- that I believe some of you may even be able to to relate to.

I find this week that my pride is at every turn. Now, I truly have been blessed with a rich education and been given a mind that naturally churns with the flow of logic...one that constantly searches for flaws and doesn't forget them once they are found. Keep that in mind as I relate to you some of the events of my week: First-- Our lecturer this week has made a small point of "teaching us how to speak publicly"- I admit that this grates on my self esteem. I have been trained in rhetoric and my pride tells me I have nothing to learn in this area- I know how to write and deliver a solid speech.

Second-- I have a friend here who often explains the love of the Lord and the life of the Christian in such simplistic, faith based, illogical terminology that my reasoning side is driven half mad. To make matters worse, every time I pointed out a logical flaw in an explanation he was able to rebuke it with some mini-monologue typically along the lines of "I used to work purely off of logic but it was getting in the way of my walk with Christ so I dumped it- it's better this way." This is not to say I believe I need to leave all reason in the dust, but you can imagine how that feels- to be told in a nice way to be quiet because you're not getting the point.

Recognizing that my pride had been confronted numerous times this week, I decided to spend a significant amount of time meditating on it with Christ. What He showed me were the parts of myself that I would boast in. The parts of who I am, whether it be my logic oriented mind, my confidence in front of crowds, etc., that I take pride in. When asked, I would attribute those qualities to Christ. I would say I was "blessed" with a sure persona, or the Lord "gave me the gift" of an ability to make friends easily. Did I truly, in my heart of hearts, view them as gifts from my Lord? Or did I see those talents as personal conquests, things I had worked on for years, things to be bragged about, things that I had that others didn't? If I'm being honest with you all, I would have to go with the latter option. Sure the Lord planned for me to be this way, but in my opinion, I thought that I had made myself who I was. All me. All on my own. The Lord (and my mom- thanks mom, you were right, as per usual) had been telling me for years that my pride was going to need to be torn down. The time for this came three months ago. The Lord has done wonders in my life already whilst being here, but I believe it's finally time to burn off this loose end that I have been secretly clinging to. I have laid down the security I find in who I am and have chosen to pick up the only lasting Security. I believe that the Lord will perfect me in His way as I let Him. I refuse to let my pride any longer bar my growing ever closer to my Father.

Well, this is my post for today- thank you for prayers and your support. Thank you also for your prayers and support for my family! I love you all dearly and thank God for you daily. Peace be with you!

Random fact of the post:

Last weekend, I went with my dear friend Katrina to the island nearby to spend the night at a hostel. The island is named "Magnetic Island" and it is absolutely breathtaking- I, coming from a heritage of pure northern blood. Click Here to Read More..

Listening to Jesus

Greetings, loved ones.

I apologize for being so sporadic with my posts recently - I've been insanely busy. My last day of outreach was last Saturday, whence we staffed a wonderfully successful "I Want To Live" event - an event YWAM Townsville puts on for the city in the spirit of Youth Week (a national holiday week celebrating young people). One of my many jobs was to carry around a massive letter "T" the entire night - periodically, my ten counterparts and I would rush together and spell/scream out "I WANT TO LIVE" with all of our big wooden letters. It was a good time. I'm sure there are photos of it on the YWAM Townsville Facebook page, if any of you are interested.

Moving right along, I am doing well. I've had a bit of a bumpy ride these last few days concerning friendships and relationships and my future and so forth and so on - it all boils down to something my mother once told me: faith comes into play at the end of your rope, not the beginning of it. (Thanks, Mom!) Coming back from outreach my body, heart and mind were completely deflated and running on empty. I was tired, getting sick, wanting to just have a day off, etc. I began to try to figure my own life out (future plans, relationships, etc.) with logos, or my knowledge of logic and "how life works". I was overwhelmed almost instantly; people began to drive me insane with their quirks, I received a discouraging letter, I felt a sudden but lasting wrench of hopelessness thrown into the works of my future. Most of these things happened in the span of one day.

Later that night, I was wrestling with the Lord over His not sharing with me His plan (classic, I know, but I like knowledge - plus, I like to make this particular mistake over and over again just to be sure it still won't work) and I heard Him say to me something to the effect of "My dear one, you have taken your eyes off of Me. Of course you have begun to sink- what did you think would happen?" Instantly, the image of Peter and Jesus walking on water was back in my mind - the picture on the Bible flash cards my mom showed my brother and I during our homeschooling days. Peter, with his arm stretched out in desperation for his Lord to grasp, half sunk in the water already after turning his attention away briefly. That was me, pulling the trusty old "too much is going on around me so I'm going to fix some of it without the Lord and then get back to Him later". FOOLISHNESS! A word of advice to anyone who is feeling helplessly lost in the throes of their chaotic life: lay it at the feet of the Lord and it will begin to be sorted. The very next morning, two of my three distractions were sorted. The Lord had promised me the night before during my prayer that, if I laid my life at His feet, He would take care of those petty problems by the morning. Sure enough, the Lord held true to His Word.

I spoke with a friend at lunch today (we decided to treat ourselves to Maccas- not for the food, but rather for the aircon) about these events and shared how I had realized that I had been oblivious to the Lord's call in the past week. It was a hysterical conversation: hearing myself speak aloud how idiotic I had been, trying to solve my entire life out in the span of a week. He was rather quiet while I was relating the story (or maybe I was just loud? I hear it's a Winter's Women thing), but as he dropped me off, he wrote something on a sticky note and told me to read it whenever I got a chance.

Later in the day, when I finally had a minute to get my thoughts together (or, as we say here, get our poop in a group), I opened it. It was a reference to a passage in 1st Samuel, where the Lord calls Samuel three times before he finally responds correctly. I laughed at the obvious comparison between myself and the young Samuel- being called repeatedly yet continuing to turn to our own understanding of the situation before letting the Lord speak.

I have recognized my error and I have heard the Lord. It is well with me, not because my life is all flowers and sugar, but because it is well with my soul. The Lord is with me.

Wealth update: I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for supporting me all these months! I currently have a bit of a surplus of funds in my account- I still have some outreach fees to pay and some supplies to buy, but I believe I have plenty for that. Thank you so much for all you have done- I couldn't do this without all of your support, financially and otherwise.

Random fact of the post: 

I often harken back to my days growing up in far upstate New York- I remember once taking a walk after it rained with my mother and my little best friend; the worms were out, and my friend and I each made a writhing ball of worms. We would find one, pick it up, pack it in with the rest like you would pack a snowball, and continue on. We would even trade on and off, passing the worm balls back and forth. So fun. Great memory. They were each a solid 6 inches in diameter. Click Here to Read More..

Outreach Update!

Greetings, Loved Ones!

I have finally found a free moment to write a quick post for you all.

Outreach, so far, has been spectacular. We have been sprinting non-stop for almost three weeks now. We have been guest speaking at numerous churches, teaching, sharing testimonies, and engaging in Christian fellowship during Sunday services, Wednesday services, and Friday services. We have completed 22 school programs consisting of skits, poems, testimonies, interactive songs, etc.. (Shout out to my mother and all the Tapawingo gals: we did the "go bananas" song at almost every program!). Typically we were either teaching Religious Education classes or doing "Easter Concerts" for the kids. We have visited numerous youth groups as well, helping out with their planned events, getting to know the kids, sharing about YWAM, and sharing about different aspects of Christianity. Lastly, and what we are in the midst of currently, would be the "Easter Camp" here at Assemblies of God Mossman Church. Beginning Thursday and ending Monday, about 40 church members come to the church and camp out, either inside the sanctuary with the YWAM team (which, to be fair, isn't really "inside" as the walls are made entirely of lattice - enabling bugs, wind, and birds to come and go as they please), or out in the fields next to the building. We have been mainly helping with cleaning and cooking - the pastor and his wife are running the entire event so they very much appreciate our help.

For my part, personally, I have been doing quite a bit of public speaking. One of the highlights so far was sharing my testimony in front of this church two nights ago at the Good Friday service. I was so blessed to learn from the people there that they enjoyed hearing my story. Another time I helped lead worship with two other people on my team. As many of you know I love to sing so I enjoyed that quite a bit.

So that is a short update, but gives you a taste of what we have been doing. We have had very limited wifi and still do - so I need to wrap this up. I hope you all have had a wonderful Easter- thank you so much for your prayers and support. God bless you!

Random fact of the post:

We went to a rainforest creek a few days ago (we are currently living inside the rainforest- if you're wondering which one, it's called "Daintree"--technically though the border of Daintree is about 20 minutes away) and as I was standing in it, someone a little ways away from me yelled "EEL!" Sure enough, as I stood there perfectly still out of curiosity and out of my love for all creatures, an eel about half a meter long swam right up to my feet and proceeded to swim under the rock I was standing directly next to. First time ever seeing an eel. Beautiful creatures, they are. Slightly frightening, but stunning nonetheless. I have no idea if it was lethally venomous or not- that statement seems to be a theme for my time here is Oz. Click Here to Read More..

Off To Work With the Homeless In Cairns!

Greetings, Loved Ones!

I am here today to tell you that I will be away on missions work for 3 weeks, starting on Monday! A team of 9, made up of myself and 8 others (basic math skills), are heading 5 hours south to stay in Cairns (and Mossman- a nearby, smaller city) for three weeks. Our accommodations will be purely generosity based; we will be staying both on the floors of churches and at one particular charity based home for the homeless. We were originally going to be living in tents at a trailer park for half the time, but a church (who has never interacted with YWAM before- which makes us a "pioneering team" as we are experimenting and cultivating a new relationship!) came forward and asked if we would stay in their building.

When asked if there would be opportunities for us to contact home during these three weeks, our leaders informed us that, hopefully, we'd get at least one time per week where we had wifi. I will hold myself, obviously, to updating all of you as frequently as possible. Thank you again for your prayers.

In other news- the Lord is speaking. The past two weeks have been a whirlwind of life-changing happenings. The reality of God speaking in a way that is comprehensible to me in addition to His keeping His promises has come to absolute fruition in the past ten days. Absolutely wonderful. I have come to the conclusion that God loves to be wrestled with- I fought Him for three hours straight over something that appeared two weeks ago and let me just tell you: in all my classical training and the college courses I've done and the theological classes I've taken, I have never been taught so much than in those three hours and the days immediately after. I was DEMANDING that He tell me what was going on or, at the very least, tell me how to fix it. I couldn't understand the logic behind Christ putting something in my life to distract me from Him. What I've learned in bullet points:

A) The Lord doesn't particularly cater to worldly logic.

B) I cannot force the Lord into telling me anything.

C) The Lord truly does have a plan for me that I cannot alter in my foolishness.

During this whirlwind, the Lord has spoken audibly, visually, through prophecy, through the mouths of people, and through my own mind. Yesterday, at the very end of lectures, I was somewhat divinely showed the verse 2 Corinthians 12:9-10. Then, as I was meditating on the passage, my eyes drifted up to verse 8, which says exactly (in the NIV, anyway) "three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me BUT HE SAID 'My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness." That was me two weeks ago. I wasn't just pleading though, I was both BEGGING and DEMANDING with all the strength I could muster. Just as an encouragement to all those out there who aren't sure if the Lord does or will ever speak to you in a way you can clearly comprehend: He will take you hand in hand, step by step, through whatever you honestly desire Him to.

Random fact of the post:

Whilst camping, I was awestruck at the abundance of small beauties the Lord has put on this earth. There were sensory activated plants all over- plants that, when your finger tips brushed them, folded up like a Chinese fan. There were dragon flies that were, every inch of their bodies, purely neon colored; not just neon green striped though- I mean brilliant colors like neon red and neon blue. Their entire bodies were these shades of bright, saturated color- when they flew by, your eyes had no choice but to follow them. There were flowers that had, in every one "flower head", 6 smaller flowers- 5 of them a beautiful periwinkle color and one in the middle of those five that was bright orange. Inside each of those 6 would be about 10 more tiny, whitish-blue flowers. We could see the entire Milky Way Galaxy on a clear night. There was a plethora of shooting stars nightly. Even the spiders and the lizards were brilliant colors and shapes and sizes. To top off my excitement about nature, just tonight, as I was walking along a bridge alone in the dark, a possum showed up. Not an opossum- those are the ones in the states. A possum is different, though looks quite similar (they are a bit different in size, I think?). At any rate, I was able to pet it for a short while before it returned to its home in the tree tops. It's tail wrapped around my wrist. Those things are quite strong. Click Here to Read More..

Camping in the Bush (pt. 2)

Greetings, Loved Ones!

So, part two: picking up from my last post - I believe I had to stop right when Katrina and I heard the call of a frantic leader from the other side of the tent divider, hey? So we jump up, trying to find a torch to figure out how to unzip the divider, listening to her yell that "the door is broken". Katrina unzips the thing and right as we're about to go through, the poles on our side of the tent twisted inward (the poles were shaped at an angle) and the wind began to blow the entire side of the tent INTO the side of the tent we were going over to. I jumped at it and began to hold it up against the wind (which was the STRONGEST WIND I've ever felt in my LIFE- Aussie storm season is not one to be messed with, apparently) while Katrina went to help with the door. The whole zipper of the door had been torn away by the wind and, as there was no tarp just then, rain was coming into and onto us and our tent in heavy sheets. As this was in the middle of the night, it was not cool rain, but COLD rain, and we were not at all prepared for it in our pajamas!

We had to switch positions after a bit because, no shame, I was the only person in the tent tall enough to hold both sides of the door up while also trying to zip it back up from the bottom... Basically, it was a nightmare. One of my good friends back home would have described it something like this: "Doors be breakin', rain be poorin', people be yellin'." A startling bolt of thunder struck just in the field next to us- suddenly, a quite loud and very clear "moo" sounded from one of the surrounding areas.

At this point in the story I'll make a quick excerpt to elaborate on the fact of wild cows: they were everywhere in the Valley. They would roam through our tents, up to our lecture tent/shed, grazing through the fields and such. Obviously I have a deep love for animals and so this fact excited me quite a bit.

My excitement got the best of me and I yelled at the top of my lungs "COWS! ITS THE COWS! I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR DAYS TO SEE THE COWS!!!

Everyone in the camp who was not awake yet was certainly up after that.

After quite a while of running about in the rain, putting tarps up, breaking out those emergency towels I told you all of before (thanks, dad!), we eventually got to the point where, as the wind and rain subsided, we just put up with our damp clothes, beds, and bags, and just went back to sleep.

The next morning we all showed up for breakfast in damp clothing accessorised with puffy eyes and aching muscles. We sang praise to Christ that morning with more fervour than I had heard yet that month.

My tent mates and I were brought back together and given a new tent- a six man, praise the Lord- and it held up the rest of the time. Not much excitement in the way of weather after those first few nights.

That's the end to the first major story; I'm sure I'll be mentioning others for the next couple of weeks but for now I'll let them lie. Thank you for praying for me as always. For those of you who may not have known, a cyclone has just swept in from the sea and has hit the island next to us along with a couple other areas- we received heavy rain but no damage was done. Thank you for praying! May God bless you all!

Random fact of the post:

There were so many spiders during camping. For one, there was a Bird Eating Spider hanging over my head once (about 6 inches long, maybe more?) which was great. There was also a lethally venomous one crawling on my leg- though I didn't realize it at the time and so I flicked it off with my fingers. Looking it up later, I realised my mistake. Another time, I was changing in my tent and asked my friend to hand me a pair of my shorts from the line- She did, and as I was turning them around, there was a Huntsman spider climbing rapidly upwards onto my hand due to my disturbing its sleep from the underside of my shorts. Huntsmans, though not incredibly poisonous, can still do some serious damage- the real reason I yelped in fright and threw the shorts down, though, was simply because they're big. They can grow to the size of a man's stretched out hand and bigger. This one was about the diameter of a grapefruit. SO MANY FUN TIMES.

Thank you all again! Lord be with you! Click Here to Read More..

Camping in the Bush (pt. 1)

Greetings, Loved Ones!

My back is doing well. I was somewhat miraculously healed after a session of prayer in the middle of lectures yesterday (today is March 10). (If you'd like the full story, email me. Now that I've had few days to recoup, I'm excited to share with you my adventures from the Bush.

First off, it was a two-and-some hour drive to get to the campsite, which was in a small valley (named Hidden Valley) on the top of a mountain chain. We got to the base of the mountains after about forty minutes, if that gives you an idea of how far away we were from, first of all, sea level, and, secondly, civilization. We drove through a rain forest on our way up the windy, un-railed mountain sides-- absolutely beautiful.

When we arrived, I could already see (and hear) the storm clouds on the horizon. My three tent mates and I snatched our backpacks and our four-man-tent and set off to find a good, high-ground place to set up. There were no high ground places anywhere. There were low places, and there were lower places.

Once our tent was up, we set about trying to situate all of our belongings: 4 full sized hiker backpacks and two duffle bags. It worked quite well until we tried to add our selves; for those of you who don't camp much, the equation for the size of tent you should use goes something like this: however many people you have, you get at least one size tent bigger (eg. if you have two people you get a four man, three people you get a 6 man, etc.). We had a four man tent with four people plus our luggage. Not fun.

It began to rain about 30 minutes after we all got into the tent. The sides began to leak almost immediately. Through fits of laughter, we managed to waterproof most of our belongings with trash bags. The next afternoon, we were hit with a storm so strong that we originally thought it was a cyclone. Our tent was literally ripped from top to bottom. We scrambled around in hysteric laughter to get our things out of the now-flooding tent only to find that the only place we could put them was in "the shed" (a large lean-to type deal with a tin roof) where EVERYONE was mingling around. It was a hysterical night. We were then told to split up and share two tents with two of the leaders who had their own 10-man mansion tents... Katrina and I (we were one pair - the other two girls went to the other tent) snuck into the tent around midnight to find locusts flying around inside, spiders the size of an adult hand crawling on the floor, and puddles everywhere but the very middle of the floor. There was a woman sleeping on the other side of the divider inside the tent and so we had to take care of all of these obstacles silently- quite the task in the dark.

Katrina and I fell asleep shortly thereafter, curled up in the dead middle of the floor, in between the dead spiders and the puddles, only to be rudely awakened an hour or so later by the side of the tent concaving and hitting us both in the face. We woke up, looked at the warped side of the tent, laughed at each other and rolled over to fall back asleep; we were brought to our feet by the leader on the other side yelling "Girls? GIRLS! Come here!"

The story does not end here of course, but this post is already quite long, so I'll finish the story in the next post. All of my love to all of you! Thank you, as always. The Lord bless you.

Random fact of the post:

The morning before we left the valley, everyone in my tent woke up and set out for the creek-side to watch the sunrise. Then, as we were sitting on the curb of the bridge, we began to see bubbles in the water, traveling towards us slowly. We all stood up, having heard the rumors of what may be in the water, and suddenly a platypus floated up to the surface and swam right underneath us, waving all its legs and paddling its little tail. Apparently it was a rare sight! They're much smaller than us Northern Americans often think- about the size of a medium size flip-flop (or thong, for the Aussies). It was absolutely darling. Click Here to Read More..